27 weeks

Hey y’all.  I’m 27 weeks today.  I’m feel a little uneasy now.  I think it is really starting to hit me, that I don’t ahve that much time left and I will have a child of my own.  I have only, what, like 13 weeks or soo left.  I’mnot gaonna lie, I’m scared shitless.  I’m sitting here think to myself, what the hell have I done?  I’m not a mother.  I’ve only helped to raise Jesse.  Though my mom can’t do much, simply because her body will no longer allow her to,  she has still been here almost every step of the way with Jesse.  And Jesse is a boy.  All the little ones in my family right now are boys.  And everyone tells me taht boys are so much easier than girls ( dear God, help me if that’s true.  How am I going to deal with another one that runs the house, instead of the adults?).  No one knows this and I can’t believe what a dumb ass I am to be writing it, back a few months ago we were have satelitte installed.  The man had to have the back door open and the gate too to get his work done.  Jesse snuck out with out my knowing.  The lady acrss the street was out with her kids and Jess really likes her, so guess where he went.  Yep, straight across the damn street.  I wasn’t there.  Joseph wasn’t there.  The street was completely empty, but what could have happened.  How in the hell can I go on know that I could have been the end of my little brother.  What could possibly make me a fit parent?  I’m scared.  Did we create another life, just to ruin it?  No, not we.  Joseph will be a great father.  He is wonderful with Jess.  Maybe a little to strict sometimes, but I guess someone has to be the elected bad guy.  I’m the one that is set to screw up.  She is only safe in my body, but that can’t last forever.  She is coming and theres no way to stop it.  Not that I would stop it.  I’ve wanted her since the day I fell in love with Joseph.  I want more still, but do I really have the right to?

God, I’m soo nerotic.  I hope that’s not genetic.  It probally is.  I’m sure that my mom is.  Has to be in the blood.  Anyway, I’m going to try and sleep.  It is really hard to though.  I have Braxton-Hicks, and they really suck.  Thats about the only way to describe them.  Its hard to sleep with constant cramping.  Ohh the fun of pregnancy.

Nite y’all,

Mandy