1/26/08

I’m tired.  Work was not so good the past couple of days.  School is insanely busy.  I’m so worn out.

Joseph writes poetry on his MySpace.  I don’t care for it.  He says he is devoted to me, but the last poem is strange.  And his supposed ex-girlfriend seems to think it was written to her.  I can’t see how expects us to get back together when I can’t trust him.  He told me he was finished with her and had removed her from his life.  I’m not so sure. 

I don’t think I even feel angry about it.  I guess I shouldn’t since we are seperated, but the fact that he had a girlfriend while he was married to me, well, I think its pretty fucking shitty.  How can you tell me you love me and I mean the world to you when you are busy sticking your dik somewhere else?

I’m very tired of lies.  I’m very tired of whining.  I’m very tired of feeling hurt for this man who doesn’t deserve my affection.  I’m tired of being sad.  I’m very tired of crying.

Joseph changed me.  I was a happy person, most of the time.  I was smart.  I thought I could do anything.  Then I got married.  I was nothing more than a hole in the bed.  I was supposed to stay home and cook and clean and drop babies like spare change.  How did I ever let a man make me a different person.  Why did I let him make me scared to be alone?  Why did I let him make me think I couldn’t do anything for myself?

Damnit.  I am worth more than him.  I deserve more than him.  I need more than him.  I am not pathetic, but he sure as fuck is.

I don’t know.  I know why he can get to me.  I should leave it alone.

Y’all take care,

Mandy

Ovarian cancer: It whispers, so listen.