08/23/2010

I open this window everyday to try to write an entry.  I usually wait half an hour and end up closing it again.

What’s the point?  I’m going to end up a bawling sniveling pile of shit.

I want to write about how the kids went back to school today.  How weird it is that they were happy to go.  Happy to have a routine.  Happy not to be pent up in a house that’s not happy any more.  Not that it’s always depressing or angry, but it’s not the same.  It will never be the same.

Jesse told me he didn’t need me today.  He could find his classroom all by himself.  Watching him grow up sucks.  Doll needed me to walk her to her room, but that was it.  I got a kiss and then she went to play with the play dough waiting at her desk.  I’m fairly sure I will always rank second to play dough, but the brush off sucks ass.

I would have loved to come home and tell Mom that I’m becoming useless to our kids.  She would have laughed at me and held me.  She would have understood.

Her side of the bed isn’t made because Brandy and I take turns sleeping there.  Partly to keep Grannie from being alone and partly because it is closer to her.

I’m so tired of the dull ache.  I feel pathetic.  I lost my Mom and that is almost the only thought sitting in my head.  I don’t cry most of the time.  Stupid little shit sets me off.  Since it was the first day the kids brought home ass loads of paperwork that had to be gone through.  One was a contact list.  Mom was Jesse’s #2 contact.  I bawled crossing her off the list.  It’s just a fucking paper with a phone number, but goddamn it hurts.

Fuck.  I wanted this to be more than a poor me pity party.  I want to talk about the weekend I spent with William at the lake.  How about my stupid tooth that broke chewing gum?  Yeah, that would be better than this, but it’s what I’m stuck writing.

I miss my Mom.

Mandy

Ovarian cancer: It whispers, so listen.