07/14/2010

I need to write, but its hard.  Mom was doing better, but not anymore.  Her body is jsut too tired to fight the infections that came after the surgeries.  The cancer is in the lymph nodes keeping them from cleaning her body.  She is running a fever constantly.  She has a pressure sore on her ear, butt and each ankle.  They are turning her and caring for the wounds, but its hard when she can’t help and she is basically laying in the same spot all day.

She was waking up and trying to communicate.  Not anymore.  She is back to sleeping.  Nothing but sleeping.  I’m sure the pain from the inscions and sore are far too much.

When her eyes open, she’s not there.  Its blank distant gaze.

She is depending on the respirator.

I almost put my hands on a nurse yesterday.  The kids wanted to see Mom so I took them.  I patted her face and told her we were there.  That bitch comes in and tells me not to be waking her up.  I told her Whatever, I’m going to talk to my Mom if I fucking well please.  She told me I needed to let her rest. I said Mom needs to know her famiy is around and I will do what I think is best.  She huffed and left.  I try to be calm, but that my mother lying there.  Don’t think you will tell me what to do for my Mom.

I was weak today.  I sat next to Mom with my head on her hand and cried.  I begged her to please get well.  I told her I don’t know if I can take this house without her.  I told her how I was selfish and wanted my Mommy to be Mommy again and not sick anymore.  It was weak and pathetic, but  I want my mom.

Mom’s doctor said we will likely be talking about hospice next week.  She isn’t getting better.

I don’t know.  I just don’t fucking know what to do.

Mandy

Ovarian cancer: It whispers, so listen.