06/23/2011

I find it so hard to come here.  When I come to OD I can’t hide what I think and feel.  For some stupid, pathetic ass reason I went back and read my entries from this time last year.

Its so hard.  I want her here so much. 

There is this constant black hole that takes the emotion out of everything.  Yay Christmas!!!  Oh wouldn’t it be great if Mom could see us opening presents.  It’s Mom’s birthday!!! Oh goody, we are taking balloons to the fucking cemetary.  Woohoo we’re going on vacation.  Goddamnit, why couldn’t she be here to go too?

Jesse wakes up most night screaming for her.  It can take us two hours to get him calmed enough to sleep.  He told Bran he thought about killing himself to go see Mom.  We had to figure out how to explain it doesn’t work that way. 

Doll looks at me with tears about to fall wanting to know why Mamaw couldn’t get better.  She has Mom’s blankets and stuffed animals in her bed.  I can’t wash them because I know they won’t smell like Mom anymore. 

We were headed to dinner one night a couple of weeks ago and we drove past a different cemetery when we here Taco say "Hi Mamaw" in the backseat.  She can walk straight to Mom’s grave when we go visit.  She tells Mom’s picture good night most nights.

I don’t know how to help the kids deal with this better.  We work everyday to find normal here.  But there is no normal when you lose a chunk of your life.

Oh God, I sound so dramatic.  I’m not some litte black eyeliner wearing crybaby.  I’m really just the kid that wants her Mom back.

Mandy

Ovarian cancer: It whispers, so listen.