“The girl can’t help it”

   So I’m leaving on Friday. I’m actually taking a train to Chicago, then hoping on another one and headed over to Kalamazoo*20 hour journey*. I’ll prolly stay at my brothers for a night or so then I get to be home again, in my own room, with privacy AND MY DOG! God I miss my puppy so much. I am about creepy because she is about my child but I’ve accepted it.

   I’m mainly writing this so I can remember what it’s been like being down here with my father, AND I want to remember this mind blowing movie I just watched.

    Something I’ve realized down here more than ever… I love to have people depend on me. I basically clean all day and take care of my dad, and as much as I like cleaning just for the hell of it, I realize I do it because it makes me seem generous and nice, and makes it seem like people need me around. GOD I’m about a loser. But at least I own up to it…

   But it honestly does seem like my dad needs me here. I’m sure he’s gotten by just fine the past year on his own… yet I can’t tell how. If I’m not around to pick up his clothes and keep the room organized… he could bury himself in crap in a minimum of two days. He claims it’s organized chaos and I try to remind him, "then why do you always loose things?", but god forbid… because then he says it’s because I cleaned it up and misplaced it. He can be so ungrateful sometimes it’s infuriating! Like with the laundry. So help me if one shirt has a wet corner on it, I must have left that part out of the dryer or some other easily avoided mistake. I love the man but no one can do anything right… besides him mind you.

   That’s another one of the things I’m getting used to down here. My father LOVES to talk about himself. The funny part is he talks about himself like he doesn’t have a huge ego or think he’s the best BUT it’s so far from the truth. I mean he says things like, "See I never like to admit I want to be the best, BUT I am." That statement makes no sense whats-so-ever but it’s a common one I hear from him. That and I’ll try and ask for advice on my problem and somehow it ends up on him talking about himself. Example:

   Me: Dad I just don’t think I’m that attractive because I don’t get attention, I know it sounds stupid but it’s how I feel."
   Dad: Ya know I didn’t think so either, but people tell me all the time how awesome I am to be around. And I thought I was fat, but you saw pictures of me I was skinny and I got lots of attention but I ignored it.
   Me:*okay….. how does that address the fact I think fat is ugly….*
   Dad: I mean heck I was dating three girls when I met your mom

   He always finds a way to end a story with that last comment I swear! My dad isn’t the worst dad out there, but he’s just not a very good listener at all. He tries…. but then gets distracted by his ego.

   We did have a bit of bonding moment yesterday. It was his birthday so I went out and bought him a cake and lunch as a suprise, and he acted like it was really big. Plus later when he was a lil tipsy he kept telling everyone about it and saying he almost cried. Pretty much made my day. Also when he was tipsy he tries to tell me stories that make absolutly no sense, which I’m sure all drunks do, but it’s funny because they are stories I’ve heard him tell sober before, and when he’s drunk he adds details that make him sound more important. Of course I just sit and listen intently and nod my head, not really zoning out and actually listening, but wondering the whole time how did he even get on this topic… 

   Later we went to Denny’s*1 am* and Uncle Al called, and that was kinda sad, and awkward. He is an old friend of my dad’s and I guess when I was lil he used to spoil laura and I like crazy, and he will send us money from time to time as a treat, but I dont’ remember him like at all… Now he’s dying of cancer and he prolly won’t make it to the end of the year. Then he talks to me on the phone and I can’t understand a word he’s saying other than at the end he’s like I love ya kid, you always remember that k? and I’m like "love you too", and I truely ment it to this guy that is about a stranger to me… because he sounded so sad and concerned when he said it…. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.

    I was going to write about this movie "The Kite Runner" my dad and I just watched… but I don’t know how I’d talk about it. It was one of the most moving, and mind blowing movies I’ve ever seen but I can’t put into words how it affected me. It’s just one of those movies anyone should see so you can get a different perspective on things in the world.

    I think that’s all I can write for now…. I have a zillion thoughts going around in my head right now, and I need to take something to get to sleep.