“Son fear is the heart of love”

Lets see… quite a bit has happened in the past year and a half… relationships, jobs, and now my lil baby that I get to plan for.

As far as relationships go Nick and I dated off and on quite a bit this past year. But he would screw up so I would go my own way and actually go out for a change. For the first time in my life I went out partying and actually met people that weren’t from the internet! Shocking I know.

Well I started dating a lovely boy named Matt. But that was… short lived. He was pretty much over the top stalker-ish. But what can ya do. Also Nick jumped back in my life. I had only been dating Matt for about a month and I was starting to feel odd and then when Nick saw for the first time I actually did move on he couldn’t believe it and begged me back.

Shortly after that *around 2 months* he was a douche again… so I left… again. This time a guy I’d known forever made a trip down from Canada just to see me. He was AMAZINGLY sweet. But there was just no spark there. Yet I felt compelled to keep trying cause he did really care about me. Well when he left I didn’t really try to hard to keep in contact. I met another guy that ended up falling for my sister. Which was funny cause a night all of us were hanging out partying I realized I didn’t like him very much after all, and that’s when he met my sister. And ironicaly Nick called that night. He came over and I was drunk and we just decided to get on back together.

That was in early august and so far things have been peachy since. I know I sound like a complete idiot cause I keep going back to the same guy. But every time we break up its not cause he’s cheated on me or because he was abusing me in any way. He just wasn’t being mature enough for me. So that caused me to hound the kid until we fought so much we just grew apart. I’m not saying he was a gem and I was just this bitch that scared him away, we just didn’t work.

As for school I sorta kinda dropped out halfway through the sophmore year. I wanted to take a semester off and then go somewhere closer to home. Well during the semester off I got very sick and was in the hospital for awhile. Also my dad lost his job and the house just kinda sank into this depression. He didn’t file taxes so my poor sister couldn’t file fasfa to go to school in the fall and neither could I. I felt worse for her though cause she had just graduated and she’s the one I see traveling the world and really doing something with her life. So I decided to start working and so did she. Hoping the next year we could go *he has yet to file taxes for 2008*… luckily I’ll be 21 so I won’t need my parents on mine anymore, but she’s still screwed.

Well my job was not something I enjoyed in any way, but I had to start paying on student loans and my hospital bill. So I had been working for about 6 months. And then we were robbed at gunpoint. It was just me and this other lady at around 1 in the morning. Of course the crap-hole I worked at didn’t have cameras so he’s long gone with the money. I was quite upset after this and Nick being the sensitive guy he is figured sex would fix everything. A month later I’m pregnant. Before I found out I had quit work because I was sick all the time *which came to make sense later* and because I just wasn’t comfortable being there anymore.

Now things are moving a million miles an hour and I am quite lost. My family’s quite excited for a baby because it’s the first grandchild and the first great grandchild on my mom’s side of the family. At first I was worried that because Nick and I are living here till we can afford the apartment the fam would be upset. My dad’s a lil sad, just because he wanted me to become a lil career woman and pretty much never settle down. On the other hand my mom’s about jumping for joy. And Nick’s parents are sooo excited because his brother and his wife are expecting this year to.

Nick and I are engaged to be engaged, but we don’t want to rush it just because I’m pregnant. Since we found out he’s been really trying to save up money for everything I need. And we figure we can worry about getting married a year or two down the road. When we can actually afford the wedding we were going to have this summer.

Also my bestie since 5th grade, Emily, is pregnant. She’s exactly 3 weeks ahead of me. She just found out yesterday she’s having a boy and I have the strongest feelings in the world I’m having a boy. This year must be baby-having year…. cause her soon to be brother in law and his wife are having a baby too….

As far as me and how the pregnancy’s going…. It’s been up and down. I have lost about 15 pounds since I first found out I was pregnant. But now my appatite is back with a vengence and I’m sure the weight loss won’t last long. I swear I’ve been getting some of the worst pregnancy symptoms ever… but I can count myself lucky since they do come and go and I’m not tortured constantly.

I guess since last year sucked sooo horribly this year better be ten times better. I mean hell I’m going to be a mom… which is what I’ve always wanted. And Nick is growing up every day. He puts me and the baby first and deals with my crazy moodiness in a positive way. Now I just have to get my act together so I can provide for this baby the way I want to once it’s born…