“If I could I would do all of this again”

Ain’t Love Grand
Atreyu

It’s so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head
It’s even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong

Gutted like a pig, all you want is the world to bleed, someone somewhere stole your desire
The pain akin to, being punched in the throat, and stabbed in the chest

You would rather bleed than be without her
Gone are the tender whispers dancing in your ears
Replaced with lackluster memories you cry, your screams play in your empty room

It’s so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head
It’s even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong

Your bed swallows you whole as the days bleed together, torment on the lips
Of a loved one, and if you try hard enough,
you can almost taste her, feel her pass and
Scream, OH GOD WHY ME

You would rather bleed than be without her
Gone are the tender whispers dancing in your ears
Replaced with lackluster memories you cry, your screams play in your empty room

It’s so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head
It’s even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong

   Today wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be…. the first three classes flew by… AND I even got out of Lit a half hour early.

   When we went to Lakeview I was scared I was gonna get stuck with some CNA that was a bitch and would yell at me every second. BUT NOPE! We got some nice ones…. so that was kind of cool. One thing I did notice though… THEY DO NOTHING RIGHT! Well they do but not like… to the book. I feel bad for the residents because they aren’t getting the kind of care they deserve… I can’t really explain in detail because that is breaking the privacy and confidentiality laws but all I have to say is… they have no idea what they are doing sometimes!

   It was kind of neat on my break though… I told Ms. H that my grandma was being transfered there today. So she just jumps on up and says lets go find her. We went to the rehab unit and she had JUST gotten there… I went into her room and she was still in the same state… Too weak to do much. So I grabbed onto her hand and told her I was there…. she seemed happy. It was nice being able to be there for her when she first settled in… Also I was able to help giving some care and that was cool cause I knew some dumbass wouldn’t fuck it up. The whole time my grandma still thought she was just fine. If you ask her she is like oh I feel fine can’t I go home now. She doesn’t quite have dementia but she just feels no pain and she doesn’t feel like anything is wrong The nurses said that was what they liked to hear though… shows she is tough. But she accepts the fact she is gonna be there to get better…. and I’m praying she will. Then when I left I was about being stared down. Ms. H kept saying aw too… It was weird…

   Then after we were done(spent 3 damned hours there) we went to Patterson’s flowers to get money from my mom… did that and then went and got something to eat.

   When I got home the house was still a mess… like worse than when I left… so I got mad then Laura and I got into a fight and it got out of control fast! I mean I went insane. Eventually she went outside and sat in the car and then I just broke on down… I REALLY need to get that shit under control. I mean this time I fell to the floor and yeah… really need to work on that.

   Eventually it became all good… Then I did the dishes, cleaned the house, took a shower, did laundry, did homework, and cleaned my room… Then tomorrow I get to do it all over again EXCEPT I have to go grocery shopping after I get out of Lakeview and then make dinner… I just love it around Christmas. I get to be "mom" since my mom is working a hell of a lot.

   Now I need to go finish homework and then go to sleep so I won’t pass out at Lakeview tomorrow