“I read more maps than books.”

SON OF A GOD DAMN BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wrote a huge ass entry and then I accidently refreshed the page and its…. all… gone… WELL HERE I GO AGAIN!

"Guernica"

Ever since I was young your word is the word that always won.
Worry and wake the ones you love.
A phone call I’d rather not receive.
Please use my body while I sleep.
My lungs are fresh and yours to keep,
Kept clean and they will let you breathe.

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.

Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these,
so I sat alone and waited out the night.
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.
So I’m asking you to shine it on and stick around.

I’m not writing my goodbyes.
I submit no excuse.
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake.
If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells
and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure.

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.

I’m not writing my goodbyes.
I’m not letting you check out.
You will beat this starting now and you will always be around.
I’m there to monitor your breathing
I will watch you while you’re sleeping.
I will keep you safe and sound.
Does anybody remember back when you were very young.
Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?

Yeah I like that song… The lead singer of Brand New wrote that cause his grandpa was dying of lung cancer. I kind of feal that way about my grandma… like I wish I could just make her better… Even take her sickness… like have it happen to me instead…

Well last night… I guess I will write about that first…. Yeah I didn’t think it was going to be too bad. For some reason I had chilled out and stopped crying as much. BUT THEN! I talk to Ben on the net for a second… To make a long story short he basically thinks he should have been paid to be my boyfriend or my friend at that because I whine and bitch so much… Yeah that kind of hurt… So I called him and told him I never fucking wanted to talk to him again and he should go in a hole and die. And I’m sticking with that. BUT! I’m gonna have to talk to him a little bit cause I need to tell him what he owes my dad… yeah he owes him money and I don’t fucking care anymore. Like before I wanted my dad to not like TELL Ben like order… but now I don’t care… I can’t I have WAY too much on my plate to worry about him.

So yes I was kind of in a teary mood because of that*but at least I’m over it now!* Well then my mom, sister and I went into Cadillac to see my grandma in the hospital. We got there and I still didn’t cry… until we got to the room. I got kind of teary seeing her hooked up to all those machines and shit… but she was asleep so we didn’t want to bother her. So what do we do? WE GO EAT!

We went to Ponderosa… I mean that place isn’t like nasty but… I just don’t trust buffets… I mean I trust the cooks but its those damn people that come in there and like have to stick there nose in the food to see what it is! I mean come on! It says its peaches on the glass so pry your damned eyes out of it and get what ya gotta get!

When we got back to the hospital I swear to god my sister and I fought like there was no tomorrow. To basically make a long story short… we didn’t agree on where to meet my mom… So we were fighting and I was being immature. I’ll admit it! When I am immature that means I get to hit… and when I’m mad I want to hit. Well then after we got up to the ICU I didn’t want to go down to the hall to her room. Laura thought I was just being stubborn which yes it did kind of seem like it. But the truth was I didn’t want to see her like that. So I made up the excuse that mom might not be there and she should just go check. But now… the stupid little hoe wouldn’t take a damned hint! So we went in there…. It was so scary… Her left side is paralyzed, she barely moves her right side, her face drops so you can’t understand her, she doesn’t think anything is wrong, she can’t open her eyes, and she can’t even pick up her head. I couldn’t help it I just broke down. I mean silently cause I didn’t want her to hear me. Then later… I was kind of holding her hand… It was really sad cause last time(when she had the first stroke a few months ago) I did that she would hold my hand… but she didn’t now… she didn’t even know that I was there till I said something. Then later she was talking about me like I wasn’t there. She just randomly went off saying she was so proud of me and that I was doing so good.

Later when I got home I was too damn depressed to do anything. I just wanted to cry… I didn’t though. I was more in shock. Its like a part of me knows… just KNOWS that she isn’t going to come out of this like last time…. But I need her too. She has to come over for Christmas and see me graduate next school year… I will be an honor student and she can tell me she’s so proud….

Then today… damn today… I don’t know. Like I didn’t cry but it wasn’t great at all. I swear I barely even remember my first three classes of the day. I just sat in Geometry and Lit just listening to Brand New and working blindly… In CTC it wasn’t much of a change. Except I was busy as hell! I had to do a bed bath, perineal care(vagina’s and penis’), concious and unconcious oral care, hair cair, nail care, denter care, foot care aaaannddd dressing someone that has a paralyzed side… Cause tomorow we have to go straight to the nursing home to work on our skills on real people… I’m scared… but ready or not here I come Lakeview Manor… poor residents…

And now I’m realizing that things are starting to get weid again. Like my dad works NON STOP and when he does get extra time he is in Caddy checking on grandma*which is good*, my mom is working like crazy because Christmas is coming, dinner is just mom bringing home food, Laura and I fight, Laura watches TV… and I sit on the computer or do my homework… this is starting to suck….</p