“I have become… comfrotably numb”

   So I’m in oklahoma for a bit…. It’s hot…. and pretty flat. Not much else to say about it. I’m glad for a change of scenary and all but its not like I’m out and about having one hell of a vacation. I spend most of my time cleaning up after my father, doing his laundry and such, and then every now and then I’ll meet someone he works with. They are all really nice and very polite but it’s kinda awkward. It’s like these people are just a few years older than me… but there seems to like this huge age gap just because they work with my dad. So I may be a young adult but then my dad says "This is my daughter Melanie" and suddenly I’m about 12.

   My dad is trying to make an effort to keep me entertained, but he does have to work and when I’m like this… I just don’t want to do anything. I’m starting to feel all depressed again. I’m trying so hard to fight this on my own because I don’t want to be put on medications again but it’s just really tough…. Sometimes I feel too weak to deal with it. Like recently, all I want to do is lay in bed and read, write some stuff, or stare at the wall and feel empty. It all sounds so dramatic but that’s just how I feel and I can’t help it.

   I’m sure all the trouble brewing with Nick isn’t really helping matters. I need to accept that he and I want different things in life and that we just won’t work out right now. He wants to be a free-spirted kid that goes out with friends and fucks up from time to time, because he doesn’t really want to think of anyone but himself. And I’m… I’m wanting to be serious and save up money, start planning a future, and maybe a family. It’s not like everytime I meet a guy that’s how it is, but I mean after 2 and a half years it’s kinda the next natural step… but he’s not ready for it. I get so angry at him because I want to change him and I need to understand you can’t change someone if they don’t want to. So I try and cut him loose and tell him to go off on his own and that they’re isn’t a hope for us… but then because I care about him so much I just keep trying to hold on. So the poor kid gets mixed signals because I don’t want to be with him*because of where he is in his life*, but I do want to be with him*because I love him and we’ve been through so much together*.

   So my lonely ass needs to man up and be alone. I’ve said this to myself about a thousand and two times but it still hasn’t stuck. I can only hope this time will be different and I can learn to live without someone to depend on. I need to realize I’m not worthless if I don’t have a boy to love me.

  I’m hoping next spring things will change and I can just be happy. I’ll have emily again so that should help things a lil bit. I seriously miss having her to talk to so much. I don’t think she knows how much I depend on her, and how much I need her around. Other than having Emily around I’ll be able to be home with my puppy and mom…. soooo that should get me by as I learn that I can’t have Nick for my selfish reasons.

   Well I’m going to clean up the room a bit while my dad takes a nap…. and maybe writing this will help me take my mind off of shit for a lil while.