when you’re 21 you’re no fun
I am sad all the time. I don’t know what to say because there are so many thoughts darting around my head and I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I wish I could just be selfish and tell you my life story, have it take up every damn page of this website. Because I just want it to reach someone who will understand. Of course I have no intentions of taking over open diary, it’s just me being selfish.
Today I hate myself. Soon I’ll be 21… in two days actually. And I just feel like I’ve managed to waste so much of my life… I’ve wasted it being sad, hoping for better, imagining the things I could have been… daydreaming my moments away.
It would be great if I could say that this is the moment. This is the moment I change my life and decide not to waste anymore minutes.But it’s not that day. Right now I want to rest, be sad, lament every lost chance to do better…
I need more friends. I’ve been so lonely lately. I try to do well by my friends but they’re dropping me. I lost Amy and it didn’t bother me too much because I felt I had enough support to deal with it. But then today I got into a fight with my friend Martha and… it’s hard to explain, but it feels like something inside of me is broken. Martha invited me to a joint party this weekend that her and her friend are having. I declined and told her I had plans with my mom but that seemed to bother her. I was upset for a few reasons and so I explained to her that I didn’t want to go because I had plans and also I felt uncomfortable going to this joint birthday her and her other friend were having because it’s also my birthday. I didn’t explain that it made me feel excluded but I’m sure that she figured it out…
anyway Martha got pissed off and told me I’m selfish and I never even invite her to my parties. I told her I haven’t had one in years. She thanked me for declining her invitation in what she called "the bitchiest way possible". I don’t feel like what I said was bitchy though. I just wanted her to understand where I was coming from. And I don’t think it was out of line for me to feel uncomfortable being invited to a joint birthday for my two friends at the exclusion of me. And I wouldn’t have brought it up at all if she’d been understanding of my having already had plans to celebrate my own birth day with my mom.
Brandon and Madison told me I handled the situation well, and I agree. But I wish I’d handled it better, I wish I’d held back and not said a thing. Then at least I wouldn’t have lost another friend.
The friends I do have either live in different cities or have kids. So I don’t get to see them much. And I’m okay with that. But on days like today where i feel so lonely i just wish I had someone to tell me I’m their friend, someone who i could hug afterwards and cry about things if I felt so inclined. I want someone other than my boyfriend to tell me I deserve friendship and love. What am I saying? I have friends who say those things to me, they’re just far away or busy and I’m selfish and I need somebody now…
I don’t want to turn 21. I want to fix my life first. I want to do something while I’m still 20 that I can be proud of and have no regrets over. And honestly, I don’t want a birthday party I just want to hang out with a good friend and talk… i want someone to share my good times with…
today was just not a good day to get into a fight
what’s the definition of a good friend? A good friend is someone who you care for and are able to be yourself around, and they are someone who no matter how much time you spent apart, the moment you are together again it’s as if you were never really apart.
Also I have to stop listening to Seventeen by Ladytron.