when friendships die

The other day I saw my ‘friend’ and I realized that our relationship is dead. Where we were once best friends we are now barely acquaintances. It’s like I don’t know who she is anymore.

I called Amy the other day because I was really depressed. I was crying and telling her how I really needed to talk to someone. After a minute she hung up and said she’d call back in a half hour when she got home. But Amy never did call back. I realized then what kind of person she was, but I thought maybe it was a fluke. After all, we’ve been "best" friends for a few years now, she was on my safety plan if I ever felt suicidal. Amy was supposed to be the one who would always be there for me.

Anyway so the other day I went to hang out with her. It’s been 3 months since we’ve actually hung out. I’ve tried to arrange meet ups but she’s always been too busy. Finally she had some time for me, so I went to see her. But it wasn’t the same. It was like I was at a strangers house. I accidentally mentioned to her little sister that she smokes cigarettes, which Amy is mad about, but I haven’t seen her family in so long I don’t know how I could be expected to remember such things. It’s not my duty to Lie for her. And over smoking…

It was not fun. I didn’t want to be there. I was going to see Amy tonight but I’ve changed my mind. I’d rather spend the day alone than with someone who makes me feel alone.

When we first started being friends Amy would put in all the effort to see me. Every day she would ask me if I wanted to hang out. I felt bad because I could only manage to see her half the time that she wanted to because I had other friends and lovers. Eventually we started hanging out 3 or 4 times a week and when we went to school together we hung out every day. I didn’t have a blast with her or anything, and she was never a "favorite" best friend, but she was the one I hung out with the most. I never had to put effort into seeing her, it would just happen.

In those days I was her only "best" friend. Amy had a couple other friends, but our relationship was one of a kind. We were supposed to be friends forever, someone the other could always talk to.

My Mom always said that as you get older most of your friends disappear, or stop caring. I thought my Mom was just being negative and that Amy would always be there for me. But Mom was right.

Eventually it got to the point that I’d only see Amy once or twice a week, but that was still okay with me. I had other relationships and my education that needed attention. I figured we’d go back to seeing each other very often once I was done with school. But that was never the case. And now here I am trying to figure out at which point our relationship truly died. Was it September when I started university, or this winter when she started her job? Or was it when Amy met her "other" best friend?

I know it’s because I’ve been replaced.

It’s been a long time coming. I am not surprised that our relationship is over… I’m honestly just surprised I wasn’t the one to finish it. I still feel like She should be calling me and figuring out how many days we can see each other this week.

Anyway… I don’t know if it hurts or if I’m just lonely.