Stay Calm, Carry On

I’m much better, I think. Not flawless, or perfect but better in my mind… I did end up admitting myself to the hospital BTW, but not until it was pretty bad. I mean I wasn’t just considering suicide or anything, but rather actively trying to figure out how I was going to do it and when. I’m glad I have friends and family who mean too much to do that, otherwise I don’t know where I’d be now.

As soon as I got the hospital and said I was suicidal they got things going for me. A nurse brought me to the crisis unit where I had to stay one night while I awaited a bed in the short-stay adult psychiatric unit. It was scary, one of the first things they did was take my blood(meanwhile various drunks and drug addicts wailed in the background). I couldn’t stop shaking because I’m afraid of blood so now I have this gnarly bruise on my arm that makes me look like some sort of heroin addict.

Mostly my stay consisted of my repeating why I was there ten-million times to various staff members, but nevertheless it was productive. The doctor I saw there says I show signs of Bipolar 2, but there’s not enough evidence right now. We discussed my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, too, and how that was affecting me. We talked about Sasha, and my guilt around that whole mess, and why perhaps my ending of our friendship was a good thing after all.

the doctor prescribed me a new medication, not an anti-depressant, but an anti-psychotic. It’s mainly used to treat bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, but it has numerous uses. It’s basically a mood stabilizer, so I’m happy about that. It’s going to help treat all my symptoms, from my mood swings to my psychotic episodes, to my anxiety, and even my depression. I was a bit if-y about using a drug to help me get better, but at the end of the day I can’t fight this all on my own.

Anyway I think this will be my last entry here. I’m pretty sure Jeff still reads this diary, so to avoid that sketchiness, I’ve got to move on. I’ll make another diary, see how that goes. It’s important that I write my thoughts out somewhere so they don’t get stuck in my head. Unfortunately the diary I’ve used for many years is no longer an option… but that’s alright. If it means Jeff having no idea what’s happened to me then it’s A-OK.

And Jeff if you are reading this and laughing or whatever… just move on please. I’m no longer significant to your life, so stop trying to be significant in mine. We had a relationship that was rocky, and that’s it. It’s over and there’s nothing more to it, so go ahead and find a life devoid of me. Perhaps you feel inclined to take something away from our experiences together. If that be the case then let it simply be that you loved me and I loved you despite how different we were and we are lucky to have learned as much as we did from each other.

Now I love Miles, and hopefully you’ve found new love too. I hope you have. I hope you find the liberation that I have one day…. so good luck.

So that’s that, I don’t know if I’ll ever write in this diary again. I don’t suppose it matters. I’m not sure who I’m saying good bye to, but if anyone is reading this then goodbye… it’s time for me to start fresh.

AND HAVE FUN with life. That’s one of the most important things you can do for yourselves, so don’t forget it.

Bye

PS. Love is important, too. More important than fun even! So love wisely but love as much as you can – one day it will take you far!