old friendships
I wouldn’t blame her if she hates me. It’s been what… 6, 7 years since I really tried to talk to her. Maybe five minimum. I should have known better back then, but I was only 14 years old. I was one of those kids who thought they had their lives figured out. Eat KD, kill yourself, wake up dead. It seemed like the most logical of decisions at the time. I was depressed. But whatever, that’s no excuse. I never talked to Jalina after that, except once or twice, because I was too proud to admit I wasn’t angry with her anymore.
Sometimes I’ll read my suicide note that I wrote for her. Somehow when I tried to kill myself I knew well enough to say it wasn’t her fault and had nothing to do with her, but afterwards I never found the words. Of course Jalina never was aloud to read my would-be suicide letter, and she’ll never know that I forgave her a long time ago. I hope she knows that my suicide attempt wasn’t her fault, it was just bad timing what with me being mad at her and me wanting to kill myself at the same time. She must have figured out I was hospitalized when I stopped showing up for school, but how strange must it have felt for her best friend to disappear without a word of warning…
I sent her an email recently to say sorry. It was long overdue. She hasn’t responded and I don’t expect she will. Based on her facebook page I think she’s been on vocation, so that could be why she hasn’t said anything. More likely she’s formed a callous around her feelings for me. But I do have this small hope that she’ll respond and we can talk again. I love her, and I’ve missed her all these years.
However, I’m almost 21, and I was almost 15 when we stopped talking. Even if by some miracle Jalina wanted to talk again, we could both be so different by now that a friendship couldn’t work. I’ve seen so much of the world without her, and I’m sure it’s likewise for her.
Yssy didn’t want me talking to Jalina after I was hospitalized. Yssy has a way of poisoning your mind so that you are as filled with hate as she is. But I’m not friends with Yssy, and I haven’t been for a while, and it’s thus much easier to see the places where she led me astray.
My art mentor had me helping her with a job recently and she mentioned Jalina. She said that the last time she saw Jalina, Jalina had seemed very sad. I hope that’s not the case. I’m not expecting a friendship, but I hope Jalina is happy in her new life.
almost 21 years old. Holy shit, how did I get so old? I’ve used up 25% of my expected life span! Time to start thinking for myself and making the right decisions. I can’t lose anymore people who are important to me.
Anyway right now I’m scared for school. In order to stay enrolled I need a C average by the end of this term. Since I got a C in dinos, and I’m not sure if I’m going to pass one class, and on top of that I might only get C+’s in my other two classes, I could be pretty screwed. And that’s when my parents will kill me, and I’ll have to take out a loan and go to college instead. I very much hope to avoid this outcome. I believe though, that if I dont have at least a C average, I’ll get a warning before they kick me out, but I’m not sure. It’s too much stress. In any case I’ll be glad when first year is over, everyone says that it gets easier after that. As long as I maintain a C I’ll be happy. And I can retake courses (more money) and only the second result will be reflected on my GPA. I`m not looking to repeat courses, but if I fail or get a D in one, then I`ll have to get a job and do it again.
Seriously though, I need to pull my socks up. I can`t afford to repeat courses, and if I ever want to get a master`s degree I`ll need at least a B+ average to get into the program. For now though, it`s one week at a time. Another week of classes before exams. That`s enough time to study and get the A`s I so sorely need.
Well I hope everyone is having a good week. Remember to tell your friends that you love them. All too often when people get into relationships, or school or jobs they forget about their friends. They forget to remind them that their appreciated and loved.