Insecurity

I really do not feel like my self esteem issues are doing wonders for my relationship. It’s relatively difficult to be with someone you find very attractive when you think of yourself as mediocre. Perhaps I am not ugly but being that I am completely at the whims of patriarchy, the fact that I’m not beautiful means that… it will never be enough.

We learned about that in psychology, "learned helplessness". Percieved lack of control leading one to behave in meek ways due to their acceptance of their supposed helplessness in certain areas. I really dont have control over my appearance either, which is part of what makes it so difficult. My sister and I are more similiar than I like to admit. Her issues are a little different, but they stem from the same source – control. She can never be skinny enough. And I will never be pretty enough. She and I are doing better than in the past perhaps – she no longer starves herself, and I know longer hide behind my hair, but deep down I know these are things will always be in the back of our minds.

I am proud, and maybe a little envious, of the steps she’s taken to overcome her deamons.

The other night I had a dream. I don’t remember what happened or what it was about, I just remember my face. It was symetrical, or close enough. I wanted to hold on to that image because I looked so happy then. And I wasn’t particularily beautiful, but I was just so, so happy to not have to hide behind my make up anymore. It was as if I was seeing myself as I was meant to be.

Just to give some back ground here: I was born with a facial deformity, an eyelid that never reached its full potentional. A minor flaw maybe, but one I was reminded of everyday as a child. I’ve had a few operations to "fix" it, but it’s not Perfect. And people still have the nerve to ask me why I burned my own eyeball (albeit now it only happens a few times a year), So I layer my eyes with eyeliner to give the allusion of them being a closer shape (I wouldn’t be so upset about the lack of eyelashes in the corner if they were the same shape).

So maybe you can imagine what it would be like to see myself happy without make-up. To not spend hours in the morning, who knows how many minutes of the day and falling asleep at night worrying about my eyes. In the dream i swear I was the most beautiful 7 out of 10 that I’ve ever seen.

Is it any wonder I developed OCD? haha. well my mom is sort of like that too, but she was never insecure. I guess these things are both biological and a product of our environment.

If my eyes were perfect, I would be happy to be a seven out of ten. Or at least, I think I would. But maybe even perfect eyes wouldn’t be enough now that 20 years of damage have been done. It’s hard to say, I’d probably feel a little better about myself anyway. Or at least I’d have more time on my hands.

So this morning I was thinking about Brandon. He’s incredibly beautiful, inside and out. I’d like to be content with myself for him. I don’t want a man to uplift me. I dont want my insecurity to ever be on his shoulders. He makes me feel so wonderful, and I never want my self esteem to ruin that. And so I’ve decided to take my parents up on the offer for another operation. At least I’m going to talk to some plastic surgeons and see what they can do. If they can just get the shape right then I can get a tattoo to fill in the gaps of eyelashes. My art mentor did something like that for her lips, years ago. After seeing myself in my dream – beautifly mundane – well I just know I have to have that for myself. I know I still wont be pretty enough, but I’ll feel better. And when I feel better I’ll be in a better position to make other people feel better. I bet I’ll be… a better psychologist even!

Don’t get me wrong, in some ways I do love my eyes because they’re what made me who I am. It’s just that I want to be in a better position to help other people. i can’t do that if I’m spending half my day worrying about how I look.

It does suck that this is no longer covered by my healthcare as I’m an adult now, but one day I’ll pay my parents back. I really would do that. And I know my mom would be happy to see me without make-up on.

I know I wouldn’t be pretty enough, but that would do…