how to break a heart
It’s funny how quickly things change. I was mourning my break up because he was my best friend and I felt so lonely. So I started trying out online dating. I thought maybe it would give me the confidence I needed… but the life of a manic-depressive is never that easy. I am currently doing this day program at a local hospital. It’s for adults who are going through some sort of crisis that doesn’t require they be locked up in a psych ward. My assigned nurse suggested maybe it was too soon for me to be dating again. Of course I didn’t listen. I personally am ready to move on from my ex and find someone else to love… but it’s not just about me. I didn’t think about what the nurse said and I wish I had. Because I may be ready to date, but that doesn’t mean other people are ready to date me. I need to sort myself out so that I don’t bring baggage into a new relationship.
So I met this one kid, he’s 2 and half years younger than me. I didn’t know when I met up with him that he’s never had a real relationship before, the longest one he had was 3 weeks. I’m assuming based on what I’ve learned about him that he’s a virgin. In any case, he’s just so innocent and beautiful and there is no reason in the world that is good enough for me to ruin that. I don’t want him to see my world because it is full of darkness and I don’t want him to lose his innocence. I never realized how important mine was until it was gone. But he doesn’t have many people in his life that give him the time of day. Despite being a wonderful and handsome guy he feels weird and alone and has little (possibly no) friends. And no matter how much I wish I could, I cannot change that. It’s something he has to change on his own. I tried explaining this all to him, I told him that I was bipolar and that I didn’t want him to be around when I next become suicidal or psychotic. I advised him that he go to college (he lives in a small town so I think it’s hard for him to meet new people). I feel that if he lived at a college dorm with more like minded people he’d be able to make more friends.
And honestly as someone who is far from a virgin and who has had many long term relationships I’m simply not prepared to date someone who hasn’t. I can’t teach him everything he needs to know about women, and I don’t want to teach him either. I’m looking for someone who’s as mature as me and he’s just not there yet. My nurse said maybe because of the things I’ve been through in life I’m more mature than people my age, so dating someone younger doesn’t make sense.
She also said I shouldn’t date right now. The thing is I want to listen to her. I don’t want another person to cling on to me the way this kid is now. I can’t take care of someone else right now…. but I want to find that special person, the one who is at the same place and who has enough life experience that they can handle it if my illness gets the better of me. I believe they’re out there and I want to keep dating so that I can find them. But I know that if I keep looking for them then I will break more hearts. And I’m having such trouble breaking one heart as it is.
This kid just doesn’t understand. I told him I couldn’t be a part of his life but he’s trying to insist we be friends. I get that he doesn’t have anyone else, but I just can’t be what he needs me to be. I’m running out of justifications for me dating people.
And I do like the kid, but it would never work, even if I wasn’t sick. he’s too inexperienced. I just don’t know what else to say because I’ve already said that I don’t have what it takes to be with him. And I feel so bad that he feels so alone in life…
and If I do find someone else and this kid finds out, that’ll break his heart. He’ll wonder why That person was able to "deal" with my baggage but he’s not. And I just don’t have the strength to ignore him because I know he’s depressed and I’m afraid of making that worse for him…
It sucks. I am so ready for a relationship but this wonderful person who wants to be with me is not ready for Me.
It’s funny how I thought I was the broken hearted one, being dumped and all, yet here I am breaking someone’s heart. Someone who doesn’t realize that I’m actually doing them a huge favor. Someone doesn’t have the capacity to realize that they aren’t ready for me. Someone who doesn’t realize that the longer they communicate with me the harder it will be to stop.
I understand his loneliness and that makes doing the right thing incredibly difficult.
Anyway no time for spell checks, in case anyone read this… (unlikely)