five year mark

yesterday was the five year mark. Five years since the night I tried to kill myself. And today marks five years since I woke up after overdosing… five years.

It didn’t even occur to me yesterday what a special aniversary it was. I didn’t even think of it at all. It’s funny how one decision can shape the rest of your life. I mean, if I hadn’t tried to kill myself so many things wouldn’t have happened… I wouldn’t have gone to the funny farm and realized my purpose was to be a therapist, I wouldn’t have had to switch schools and meet Jeff, and Amy and Agatha and all those people who had such an impact on my life. I wouldn’t have gone on anti-depressants and thus wouldn’t have ever experienced Mania, and so I may have never known that I was bipolar.. I wouldn’t have met mr kavanagh and I realized I actually have a talent for non-fiction writing. I wouldn’t have taken the art program or dyed my hair purple. I wouldn’t have gotten help for my mental illness, nor would my relationship with my family have ever improved. And well, the list goes on…

In so many ways my suicide attempt made me into the person I am today. And I like myself now. I’m more confident, less shy, more determined, more aware and more willing to make this world a better place, because I dont think anyone should have to go through what I did.

I went to the hospital (for the third time) at the biggining of March. The doctor there told me I have bipolar 2, and severe OCD (I was admitted due to the fact that I was so obsessed with the thought of death and dying that I convinced myself I was God, thus the "severe" OCD) Another doctor suggested all my symptoms might be due to epilepsy, so it’s possible I’m not crazy after all. I’m going for an EEG late may, and I’m also seeing the top neurologist in ontario to see what his thoughts are on my symptoms… I’m currently taking lamotrigine for Bipolar disorder, which is actually an anti-convulsant, so if it turns out this is epilepsy I wont even have to switch my meds!

Gosh, I never thought I’d be happy to be on meds after my experience with anti-depressants. But hey, I can’t complain. For the first time in a very, very long time I feel NORMAL. Not Amazing, not Terrible, just NORMAL. And that my friends is a wonderful gift indeed.

But wow, five years.

Im thankful for all my hardships. Thankful they made me who I am today. They caused me pain, but ultimately they will cause me joy. Because they’ve given me a purpose, something to fight for – I even have people to fight for now, and whole world of people who i can one day help deal with their problems, and hopefully, help them to appreciate their gifts as well…

I haven’t used this diary in a long time. I thought maybe my ex, Jeff might be reading this. But I think he’s moved on. That’s good for him, I’m proud of him for being able to forget me, despite everything, I could never forget him… I don’t think I ever truly loved him,  or at least, I was never really in love with him, but I believed I was at the time that we dated… it wasn’t until I met another jeff at summer camp that I realized what love was. But that’s water under the brigde, right?

The first Jeff, the one I wasn’t really in love with, doesn’t talk to me anymore. That’s fine by me. I mean, my current boyfriend, James, would never approve of me talking to an ex, especially one I had such a strenuous relationship with. Like me, James has been cheated on before – I know where his paranoia comes from. And as far as I’m concerned as long as James isn’t talking to his ex, there’s no reason for me to talk to mine.

If you go an entry backwards, to about a year ago, you’ll read me talking about Miles. He’s my ex now, for many very good reasons. First of all, he raped me. Second of all, he wouldn’t let me talk to anyone (this is part of the reason Jeff stopped talking to me – I didn’t tell him how Miles was controlling me, and so he assumed I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore). And lastly, I caught him cheating on me, and I found out he’d been seeing other girls for the entire 8 months that we’d been dating. 8 months isn’t a whole lot of time, but still, I loved the guy, and he left me heartbroken.

When I figured out Miles was cheating on me, I left him right away. I didn’t stick around, I didn’t let myself think he would change – I knew he wouldn’t. Worst of all I found out Miles was not only a stripper, but a pornographic model (in retrospect this is hilarious, but I didn’t think so at the time). We hadn’t been using condoms since I was on birth control, so I freaked out and thought I had some nasty STD (I didn’t have any symptoms, I was just paranoid). I got tested and you’ll be pleased to know that I am STD FREE!!! WOOT…

Anyway, I just wanted to do an update. I left alot out, but that’s ok. Who the heck reads this anyway, other than me?? And it’s all in my head anyway, I don’t really have to write it down.