Crestfallen

Since I have been dumped every day has been the same. I don’t like to go out anymore. There is too much in this city to remind me of what was and what will never be. When I do go out it’s as if my soul seeking radar is on over drive. Every person I see I wonder if they might be the one.

There were many times in my relationship where I wondered if I should leave him. I didn’t want to because he had made me so happy and so… complete, and I honestly believed we could work through anything. But I wasn’t worth it to him.

I go on things like plenty of fish to get my mind off it. Having random strangers compliment me is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. Every time I have a good conversation with someone I meet online I’m immediately hopeful. And then they’ll say something that makes me think their intentions are not pure or that they are not what they seem, so I’ll stop talking to them. I once dated someone I met on POF, and he was insane, but at least he taught me some things to watch out for in the future.

I love my ex still. I would have done anything to make him happy. Now I’m just struggling to not care anymore. People say that one day it’ll be as if he never existed. I don’t think that’s true though. Do you ever forget about someone you really loved? No. He’ll always be a part of me now.

Of course I want to move on. I really want to find someone to love again… I really want to find my soulmate. I keep telling myself that they’re out there, but they might not be. Not everyone in this world will find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. And I might be one of those unlucky people.

Some people tell me that I’m too young to be searching for the one. I’m 21 so apparently I should be "living life to the fullest". But I don’t want that life. I want a life that I can share with that special someone. I want to be somebody’s dream come true.

I signed up for a day program at a local hospital for people suffering a mental health crisis. It’s not because of the break up, that was simply the catalyst. I’ve been feeling depressed for a long time. I just want to get back on my feet. I went to the gay pride parade this weekend and I really enjoyed myself, it was great to be with my friends… but I am so jealous of them. They don’t have mental illnesses. I do. And that illness was certainly a contributing factor to this break up.

I wonder if I will even find a man who is willing to be loyal to me, no matter what. Someone who won’t leave me if I am not happy for a few months or if I get irritable and hypomanic. I wonder if there is a person out there who is willing to make sacrifices for my happiness. I wonder if they will love and trust me and be patient with me when times are bad. I am a good person, I’m loyal and trustworthy and willing to do anything to make those I love happy. Surely there is someone out there for me?

I don’t feel any attraction to my ex anymore. Truthfully that had been dwindling for a long time. I just feel as if there is something missing in my life now that he is gone. And I’m not looking for someone to fill that void because that someone may not exist. I just wish that the hole inside of me would heal more quickly. I need to find happiness being alone because I may always be alone. That is a very hard thing to do.