Body Dysmorphic Disorder
So now my low self-esteem is a mental illness – Body Dysmorphic Disorder
I saw a psychologist recently. She was supposed to be assessing me for for anxiety disorders but ended up taking a bite out of everything. She said she couldn’t speak to my bipolar 2 diagnosis because I refused to talk to her about my hypomanic episode or of when I took anti depressants. Well she also said that if a psychiatrist told me I had the disorder then I should believe them, so unfortunately I still have bipolar 2 and I am not getting out of taking medication…
what she could tell me was that I showed signs of OCD and GAD, that I was recovering from PTSD (rape), I am a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser1 and I definitely have been depressed (no shit) and experienced psychosis due to depression2 and she’s worried about my delusions about being God but is unable to comment further3 but most important for me right now is my body dysmorphia.
Anyway, so that’s stupid. When I was a kiddie and tried to off myself the doctors said I had low self-esteem. They didn’t give it a stupid label like that. Dysmorphia?
A. Preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance. If a
slight physical anomaly is present, the person’s concern is
markedly excessive.
B. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment
in social, occupational, or other important areas of
functioning.
C. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental
disorder (e.g., dissatisfaction with body shape and size in
Anorexia Nervosa).
Basically my need for facial symmetry is "excessive", I am delusional about my eyelid anomaly and this may be account for all my anxiety issues. I’m so severely "preoccupied and distressed" that I need to see another specialist.
What a world, what a world.
Honestly? I am not a beautiful person. If not for my eye lid thing I might achieve pretty status, but I would never be anything special. I just want… to be perfect in some way. I just want my eyes to match. But I am one in a million… literally, that’s how common my birth defect is. And I am one who just wants to look like the other million.
Even then though… well maybe that wouldn’t be enough. When I was a kiddie I just wanted to be attractive enough to have people like me and want to date me. Now that I am attractive enough I want to be so attractive that most people would desire me. I know I could never be a perfect 10, but that’s always the ultimate goal.
Most people don’t mention my eye anymore. but they Do notice it. If I ask someone who I’ve known for a few months about my eye they’ll say something like "Oh well I noticed it was different I just didn’t feel it was my place to mention it." or "I knew something was different when i got really close to you, but you see my eyes are also different shapes..yadayaydayada"
I’m 20 years old. I guess people have better things to make fun of now than my eyes. But how to undo all the years of being told I was ugly for something so "small"?
This is me. I am meant to have low-self esteem. I do need people to constantly remind me I’m attractive. I need friends to exagerate how beautiful I am and for my boyfriend to flat out lie and call me a ten. I can’t explain all the reasons I need this constant reassurance, but I do.
I still feel as if I should break up with my boyfriend. He makes me happy and says I make him happy and that he needs me in my life. But he doesn’t lie to me like I need him to… how awful is that? I told him that I loved him a while ago. He’s an amazing person. He pulled me out of depression, gave me something to look forward to and someone to care for and be concerned about (really helps to worry about someone other than myself). We laugh together but don’t mind each other’s silences. He’s patient and accepting and there for me whenever I need him… but mostly, most importantly he gives me reasons to do the same. I want to be a better person for Him.
yet… my low self esteem keeps flaring up in our relationship. And I don’t want it to hurt him… Brandon is the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I’ve never felt that way before. So… I should get over this low self esteem business. I shouldn’t leave him because he wont lie to me and tell me I’m the most beautiful woman on the planet. And my eyelid isn’t going to change. I might get another operation but it would never, ever, be perfect. I will never be perfect. There will never be something that I best at. I will never be the best looking or the most desirable. I will never be Anything I want to be.
I don’t need therapy to know that what I want and what I need are two different things. I should be what I need myself to be in order to grow as a person… but why is so that so different from what I want?
I do think the new diagnosis is stupid. I really do. Fuck man, most of these labels are stupid. The only ones that truly make sense are those on the bipolar spectrum (including but not limited to unipolar depression), GAD, OCD and psychotic disorders – everything else is just a variation on those. If anything everyone should get their own special diagnosis. Like me I’d get something like "has a bit of everything disorder" whereas my ex might get "lacks sufficient intellect and emotional capabilities to love disorder" or my mom might get "thinks nothing is a problem except for those things which aren’t problems disorder" whereas most psychiatrists might get "obsessive compulsive labelling disorder with additional psychotic features". Wouldn’t the world of mental health be exciting if labels actually described what the individual was going through?
I’m taking psychology in university – wait ten years for these thoughts to revolutionize how you view depression. (joking – or am I?)
Oh what am i trying to say? Yes, I’m probably too preoccupied with my appearance. Yes, it makes me anxious. Yes, I have a shit load of other disorders which make it worse. but… this won’t change. There are no pills. There are no doctors. There are no lies that will make it disappear and there is no way that a label is going to do anything other than further stigmatize me.
But yes, I need help.
But here’s the catch – I already have a therapist. And she doesn’t see a need to label me. Besides… I may not be what I want to be but I am so much more than a label. I HAVE bipolar 2 disorder but I am not bipolar. I HAVE BDD but I am not dysmorphic.. I don’t know let’s just say this: I have boobs, but I am not boobs.
What would help me, what would really help me – was if beauty wasn’t so important. If I wasn’t constantly told beauty was the way to success love and careers, maybe then i wouldn’t be so obsessed with it.
1 I went through a period 3-4 years ago where I drank a lot, it lasted a few months. Now I never drink, I would never have discribed myself as addicted. My friends had a good laugh over the drug abuse
r label as well. I used to smoke marijuana rather frequently and I don’t anymore. They told me they were going to have to hide the advil and asparin. I find the label more stupid than it is funny, but I guess some people might be addicted to weed… right?
2 Apparently psychotic depression is quite common. Yay for being normal..
3 Currently I do not believe I am God. This is a random thing. Just clarifying – I am not that crazy.