What’s A July Song, Anyway?

Day Zero Project

Everything is all nostalgic and hopeful and crystalized. I am excited by the future, and the good feelings are all wrapped around me. What is more beautiful than the life you could live? Having the chance to change things, to evolve things, to make things better. It reminds me of cold days spent in the park with Dustin’s kisses. We have 6 years so far and they are precious, and I can’t wait. Oh, I can’t wait at all.
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This is not to say that there’s no pain. Brandon is still difficult. My texts are brushed off and my deepest words are unsung because they are simply unappreciated. I recently felt the pull to hug him, and I want to, just to make sure he is solid and smells the same and that he is here, mentally and physically. I don’t understand how I can be swept under the rug when so many people appreciate my words, my touch, my simple act of being there. I give so much that sometimes I give too much, and in a lot of ways I am stretched thin and simply ignoring it. I want his friendship because I remember the tie we used to have to each other, and letting it disintegrate is too much to bear. Even in the face of all the positives, his resistance or reluctance to have a true, deep friendship is crippling.
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I have many songs to sing to him but they will never be sung, in part due to my shyness, in part due to his inability to care. Even though he told me that Maybe I’m Wrong (Atomic Tom) was his July song. How could that be his July song when there are no August songs or Fall Songs or even a beginning of Winter song? I feel like everything is pulling apart at the seams and I just don’t have the strength to keep it together anymore, even though I desperately want it.
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I am conflicted and all wound up, just like every Winter month. The cold air makes everything so much sharper, especially pain. Especially the holiday season, a time for enjoying friends and family and bonds with others.
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God, this is just so difficult sometimes.
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I have school work to power through this week. It will be my last week from hell, hopefully. I feel stretched thin due to social commitments, work commitments, school commitments. There is not enough time in the day to complete everything, to make everyone happy. The more I hang out with people who want to see me, the more it hurts that the person I want to see ignores me. I am worried and nostalgic and a little bit broken, and I’m really not sure how to make it all OK anymore, other than to grin and bear it. Grit my teeth and just get through it.
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And be thankful for the things that are going well, mostly. Or try to.

Grant me strength.

Love,
Amanda