tuesday thoughts

this need for patience, inactivity, and introspection is wearing on me.
i am following it to a tee, but it is really hard for me.
i don’t think anyone understands the inherent difficulty in this.

but my eye is on the prize.
and I’m not losing faith, I’m not backing down.

I need to shine myself up and work hard and then maybe in the end I will deserve the payoff.
But that will come in its own time.
I can’t rush this.

Even if there is an underlying desire to just face the hurt now because I don’t see how this can work out in my favor sometimes.
But I can’t lose hope. Not now. Not after how far I’ve already come and how hard I’ve already worked.

I am learning appreciation and gratitude though.
And humility…holy crap am I learning humility.
and i am learning the strength of myself.

I’m going to go for another run today because I am full of pent-up emotion.
And running takes that away for awhile.
Gives me confidence.
And I’m going to need a whole lot of confidence to knock down this wall of resistance.
if possible.

dear God,
just hear me out. please.
love, me

in other news, my interview was extremely laid-back and went really well.
unfortunately, though, i don’t think i’m gaining any ground financially by taking that job.
more or less staying the same.
i guess that’s why i’m feeling more down than usual.

the suffering is more bearable if you believe that it will be worth it in the end.
that’s why i can’t lose hope.

in any case, i will still have me. no matter what.
right now, that doesn’t feel like enough.
and that’s just an indicator that i have a lot more work to do, and i need more time.

love,
amanda

once again, I feel 150x better after going for a run.
a little cold at 37 degrees and rainy, but still worth it.
i can’t outrun who i was or what i’ve done, but i can build endurance.

today
I ran listening to this: Breathe Into Me – Red, Fight Inside – Red, Mystery of You – Red

I ran towards this place:

because i have hope if nothing else.