Toes

Kelly and I have been bantering back and forth through notes about passion and what it means to find it.

My life is not so smooth as that statement, however, and my thoughts are chaotic. Passion? I know nothing of it besides the kind you find between the sheets and other than that, I am lifeless, devoid of passion, because I live in a cage of fear. Fear is silly and we shouldn’t listen to it (I am objective) but all of our ears are caught pressed against the door at some point or another.

I love Nature and I love describing things and I love run-on sentences (which would definitely make me a poor book editor or publisher) and I love the elusive spark of feelings. Which career does that place me in? I’m not sure but I am sure that I hate hate hate what I’m doing and I just want to run somewhere else.

I should really take up running again; it was a passion before cigarettes, nearly 6 years ago, and it slipped through my fingers. And, being me, I am grasping at it because it’s in the past, but at least this past-thing is worthy of my attention.

I was clicking the "random entry" button for hours the other day, trying to know someone, trying to find meaning in a couple of hastily scrawled words. I came across a female’s diary with a simple quote,

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." – Anais Nin.

It resonates with me, inexplicably, since I wouldn’t know a risk if it bit off my third toe.

Anyway, I have to go to work.

Love,
Amanda

passion isn’t always born from within, sometimes it needs to find an outside catalyst to spring forth, to burn

I like that quote. It’s hard deciding what you want to do for the rest of your life. I switched majors so many times and have been in school for eons, but I finally figured it out. Basically, I was just like, fuck it. I’m doing something outlandish but that I know I love. Haha, hopefully it pays off. (I also thought of being a naturalist, which I will do as a hobby for sure.)

And yeah, I feel mostly passionless until something sparks it.

With the right person, you’ll have a connection that even supercedes sex. It’ll be sooooo right when you’re with them, and you’ll think it will never end – and you’ll never want it to. But often it does – and it’ll be for reasons that make sense. But you’ll remember that connection all your life.