Tittering, Defiance, and Tea

Day Zero Project

We keep getting flakes of snow so that everything looks like a coconut-sprinkled cupcake.
I wish it would go away so spring can burst forth; not that spring means "new" to me, because this year it means "stress". I am tired of stress. I am tired of the gray walls in my room and the worn face of my dad and my mom’s long conversations with other people, oozing details about our lives that feel embarrassing from two rooms away. 

I wake up in the morning and stretch and the same, familiar headache is there. It rests in my left eye socket and stretches up to my frontal lobe. I always become angry when I feel it, because it stays for most of the morning (afternoon) until I can take enough Tylenol to send it packing. I have to eat something before the Tylenol, though, otherwise the pills would sink like a stone into my body and my stomach would reject it with a great heave.

And I still refuse to go to the dentist. Defiance tastes like fire.

I’m just sitting here, chewing on an Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal PowerBar (because its a great meal-replacement for me) and I realize how much I resent things like this. Eating a protein bar because I am lazy and cranky and The Headache is there. Tomorrow I will be one month free of smoking but I’m impatient with the progress. Tortoise and the Hare. I still crave cigarettes like a life-blood but I swallow the cravings with tea instead. I am starting to like warm tea and it’s a little scary, but only the top 2/3s of the glass mug. I always dump the last third out, just like I always leave one chicken nugget or one bite of a sandwich left. I think I have some sort of OCD sometimes. Chamomile is my favorite tea.

I bought a cd on iTunes called "101 Healing Sleep Songs" or some such nonsense. It helps me to take control of my mind because the external noise is so pleasant.

The antibiotic cannot wait. And I have no business tittering in here.

Love,
Amanda