time of chaos
Starting to recapture my light; it’s been a terrible past few days.
have you ever let yourself drown in misery, and you know you can pull yourself out, but you just keep drowning anyway because it’s almost comfortable?
enough said there.
I’ve started slowly reconnecting with people so that’s a good thing.
I’ve talked to a couple different people about the way I’ve been feeling, and they keep slapping me with facts I already know.
Facts I can’t change. Which almost makes it worse.
And the talking doesn’t really make me feel much better, but I know that’s partly because my attitude sucks.
I miss Dustin, and it’s all sorts of Hell, and sometimes I literally have to take it moment by moment to refrain from contacting him.
I promised I wouldn’t and so I will do my damnedest to keep that respect.
I owe him at least that much for the Lake of Hell I put him through (yes, I’ve been listening to "Fuck You, Lucy" almost non-stop).
I suffer and I struggle and for some reason this is all hitting me now —
it’s really no surprise because it always takes me a few months to process things.
People keep asking me if I’m OK, if I’ll make it through.
Not just Dustin-related things, but all the crazy things that have been happening in my life in general.
The recognition of my disillusionment, my idealism smothered by reality.
I’m touched that people want to help — sending me funny pictures or texting me silly things or just being outrageous — and I appreciate it more than I can say.
But this wound is a deep one. Self-inflicted or otherwise, blood spills just the same.
And it’s not going to be a quick process. My life is upside down and I’m clinging to the edge with just a shred of breath.
I just have to take it day by day…second by second if i have to…and just keep chugging along,
trying to reclaim myself from the devil, trying to shine myself up til i sparkle like a star.
The silver lining to all of this is that I am no longer in denial.
I’m not numb to my life. I’m not avoiding the pain through any means possible.
I’m facing up to who I was and what I did …as well as figuring out who I want to be and what I wish to do.
And in between? Trying my damnedest to focus on who I am and what I’m doing.
"there’s no way out but through".
and as much as it sucks, as much as I want to punch every fucking wall, and cry until I’m all dried out, and become a stoic stone of suffering, and shake the hourglass until the glass cracks and all the sand wastes on the floor….
I know that I have to do this. I have to go through this. And I need to have courage and forbearance and…
I need to embody the words on my leg "fortitude and fidelity".
This is what I wanted, you know?
To find out what I’m made of.
To find out if I really can be on my own and survive.
Time to man up, buck up, prove it.
And I will continue to suffer, and I won’t even try to hide it from the ones close to me.
But I will fight. Fight hard. Fight until and unless I have nothing left.
Nothing else is acceptable.
Love,
Amanda
PS.
So, I did end up putting in a three-weeks notice at the restaurant even though it was really hard.
And I have a job opportunity through Mom that hopefully works out.
So it’s really true… not only is my love life, family life, and school life in upheaval, but my work life as well.
Go big or go home I guess.
Makes it easier to achieve stability, you know? In a fucked up kind of way.
Because at least when I get to a place of calm, I’ll know that most (if not all) aspects of my life will be stable.
And that’s definitely something to look forward to in this time of chaos.