This City Crashes Down, Aflame

This song has far surpassed any other in greatness.
At least for the moment.
I have had it for at least three years and haven’t paid it much more attention than to title a mix CD after it… "The Feel Good Drag" – Anberlin.
It’s AMAZING. I love the opening…chords? I haven’t a clue. In any case, it’s one of those that grab my soul by the throat.

I don’t really feel like reporting upon the past week. It has been…confusing…and a shit ton of fun for me. I am somewhat ashamed of myself…which in retrospect I shouldn’t be…I am simply living life to the absolute fullest…… broken promises? but i made none. I owe no one anything. I owe them everything. Sigh. I let the twilight bewitch me and I fall into a stupor of starlit lust and awry love. I simply don’t know anymore.

And the damned books…sigh…I should really stop reading them. They are so addictive…alas I finished the last within two days. It was "Devil’s Daughter" a Catherine Coulter Historical Romance. Men are NOT like that. All sexy and macho and infuriating and intelligent and bound by this little precious thing (that has long been lost) called honor. I fill my dreams with fantasies of things working out so deliciously perfect in that way. It’s nice to depart periodically from the web of love/not love/lust/shithole/infatuation/unrequited love that has me caught irretrievably in the middle. But things don’t turn out.

Instead I live in this little world of thick, sleepy heads and piercings that feel like they are setting my entire head aflame. I live in a world of sweaty skin and sliced hands and the sighs of the drowning. I live in a world of stark white window paint, sputtering engines, and an absense of gasoline. Sneezy cotton is my bed and eyes too tired to read another line. Nights that never surpass my body-crash time of 3:00 am. I miss rosy summer mornings and the drag of a cigarette feeling splendid and coffee filling me with its aromatic warmth. Instead, I don’t remember the color of the middle of the night (sapphire perhaps?) and cigarettes burn my lungs and coffee feels like hydrochloric acid intent upon destroying my intestines.

I miss starry eyes and lips curved upward and that wonderful feeling of being captured in only the most comforting arms…alas I felt arms like those just the other afternoon before sunset….and…sigh. I unwind with the passing minutes and I still feel drained from the school year, though I secured the 3.0 needed to attain my elusive future. I’m not even sure I have a future of any kind. Especially not the one I dream of.

Bah, the speakings of an old, tired soul. I bore you. I leave.
Love
Amanda
(a name that screams secrets, even to my own deaf ears)

THE FEEL GOOD DRAG
ANBERLIN

"I’m here for you" she said
"and we can stay for awhile,
my boyfriend’s gone,
we can just pretend."
Lips that need no introduction
Now who’s the greater sin?
Your drab eyes seem to invite…
(tell me darling) where do we begin?

Was this over before
Before it ever began?
Your kiss
Your calls
Your crutch
Like the devil’s got your hand.
This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips
Your lies
Your lust
Like the devils in your hands.

Everyone in this town
is seeing somebody else
Everybody’s tired of someone
our eyes wander for help
Prayers that need no answer now
I’m tired of who I am
You were my greatest mistake
I fell in love with your sin
Your littlest sin

Failure is your disease
You want my outline drawn
You are my greatest failure
Discourse your saving song

Was this over before
Before it ever began?
Your kiss
Your calls
Your crutch
Like the devil’s got your hand
This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips
Your lies
Your lust
Like the devils in your hands

………………