Thinking Far Too Late At Night

Day Zero Project

2:14 a.m.

I am shuddering, caving in on myself. Fissures are appearing all along my soul and it has nothing to do with present-day life. I can only thank my smaller, more naive self for keeping such an ardent record of past events. Beautiful words strung together like a glittering spiderweb; a lovely thing that confuses my current self with its depth, clarity, and most of all, passion.

Two-thousand and eight.
Such a confusing, catastrophic, brilliant, breath-stealing, soul-crushing, passion-provoking year. Too explosive and wonderful to sum up, but I will try. The year began with confusion in mine & Dustin’s relationship, ending in a mess of hot tears and tempers in February. Spring and early summer were a blur of bad boyfriends and excessive alcohol and feelings too muddled to wade through. Late summer smashed into me, dragging my soul through mud and oceans and horse shit and starlit skies, landing me in Nick’s arms for a brief time but in a passionate loss of direction for many months thereafter. By Fall I had stumbled upon Brandon, entranced by the simplicity of his life, the soft tones of his voice, the misguided sense of gallantry he seemed to feel for me. And ultimately, 2008 ended with a phrase that, in essence, seemed to sum up the entire year: "You’re just not good for me".
Jesus Christ.

I was young, and stupid, and had too many feelings….but goddamn, I was passionate about life. I felt every streak of pain, every smear of tears, every spark of love. Felt every inch of it in my soul. Everything was clear and raw and so fucking real. And it wasn’t perfect, and really it was horrible on so many levels…but Christ, it was like some part of me was truly awakened. Can I credit Nick for that, or was he only a miniscule part of it?

And so much has changed already. I feel like I have lost that passion, lost that capacity to really feel. I still have my moments, but it is not all-encompassing as it once was. Perhaps it just means that I’m growing up.

Those entries, though, intensify my need to see Nick. It is still true today that I have never felt so connected with someone in my life. He hurt me in a lot of ways, but he also showed me many things, and shared so much of himself with me. Things that really matter. Things that I really miss sometimes. I guess in comparison to that, every day exchanges are meaningless. Perhaps that’s why I fight so hard to form these deep connections with people. Because I had it and I loved it and I lost it and I want it back. Fact is that no one from the outside looking in can duplicate it. Or they haven’t tried enough yet. Or maybe the closeness I felt was intensified because time was so short. Because I knew he was going back to college and he was the only real grasp on sanity that I had had since the beginning of the year. It is all very confusing and muddled and so, so dear to my heart. Even still. Even three and a half years later.

It hurts, when you meet someone like that. When you know someone like that. It hurts so fucking bad but it’s so goddamn rewarding. It’s an experience unlike anything. An experience you will never have again. Because it was a time when everything was in exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

And this is not to make Dustin sound like a puddle of shit. Dustin and I are very connected, just…not like that. Maybe it’s because ours is a long-lasting connection, a connection always felt but rarely spoken. Because it’s easy to get lost in every day things like bills and school and work and the future. It’s easy to mentally and emotionally check out.

In contrast, everything with Nick was so short and bittersweet. It was easy because I was 16 and didn’t know responsibility and didn’t care. My main focus in life was emotions, establishing relationships. When you’re 16, everything is a helluva lot easier, even if you don’t realize it right away. It’s easier and more comfortable.

When you’re 16, you have out-of-control emotions, nervous breakdowns, endless days and nights of tears, the unquestionable tug of trying to figure out your place in the world and which people matter the most.
When you get older, you have a firmer hold on your emotions, and you are beginning to know where you stand. Nothing is quite so sharp or so painful. However, in return for peace of mind, you lose your passion, and your ability to feel.
At least that was the case for me.
And which one is more terrifying? I’m not quite sure.

I need to sleep.
2:48 a.m.

Love
Amanda