the first of july

 it’s 10:30 on a Saturday night, and I am curled sullenly in a patio chair at his house. there are frustrated tears, one at a time, trickling down my face. his palm cups my chin and he forces me to meet his eyes as he says, "it will be okay."
there is no grand reason why I’m crying; in fact, I’m not even sure why I am. I’m not sure why I’ve been so crabby and petulant and frustrated for the last few hours. I only know that I am and it’s a trial for me to act like a mature adult with goals and dreams and stamina.
and he is so patient, which is nearly my undoing. Suggestions pouring out of his mouth, "Let’s go for a drive"; "want to go for a walk?"; "let’s go the gym"; and I keep turning them down, not because I want to be difficult, but because I legitimately don’t want to do ANYTHING.
his patience is unwavering and he takes me down to his room and wraps me in his arms. it’s not sexual, just supportive. and he tells me that it’s okay to fall asleep, despite my protests, and yes, it’s still okay even if it’s only midnight. and i am frustrated so I just close my eyes and wish I felt better.

"even when i wake up with your head on my pillow and your arm on my face," he says, smiling, "it makes me feel good because it’s like you want to be close to me even in sleep."

and i don’t say anything in response, even though the statement is superb, sweet.

i was petulant and depressed even the next morning and halfway through the afternoon.
i got to work and i went on break and I sent him a message,
"Thank you for being so patient with me when I can’t even be patient with myself."
 

"Love is patient", he wrote back.
 

Be still, my heart.

"Maybe," I replied. "But that still doesn’t excuse the fact that I’ve been acting like a colossal bitch. Even if I’m not entirely sure why."

"It doesn’t, but why would I freak out? Doesn’t help anybody,"

Needless to say, waking up next to him, leisurely enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning, and putting my feet up for a little bit, made for a very enjoyable weekend.

oh yes, and I chased the crabbies away with a trip to the gym. Turns out that working out is extremely important to maintain and stabilize my moods.

oh goodness.