sunny disposition

I laid awake until nearly 5 a.m. and contemplated everything.
I spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing.
So I fell asleep.

I am obsessed with staying positive now.
It’s interesting to me, after years of negativity and fear and blind running, that I have come to this place.
This place isn’t perfect, but it’s interesting and beautiful.

I’m not afraid of things anymore.
I have survived a lot.
Throwing myself so completely out of my comfort zone was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make.
But it’s already so worth it.

I’m not saying that I don’t get apprehensive or frustrated or angry,
but I feel the feelings and try to urge them on their way.
I’d rather be smiling and learning and growing.
I’d rather do something to make someone else smile.
I’d rather live life with my heart and eyes open, and with love and a sense of being grateful.

This is what my heart was trying to tell me in December.
What my soul cried for.
Love and fear urged me to stay in the tiny apartment with my Dustin,
but courage and faith helped catapult me into the unknown, to become this woman whom I was afraid didn’t actually exist.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes,
and I was a person who did terrible things for a long time.
But that was who I was — NOT who I am.
I take responsibility for my actions, but I also realize there’s nothing I can do to change what I did.
I can only change the person I become.

I am grateful for today, for the chance to change and be the gold-heart I have always aspired to be.
I want to make others see that and return in droves with love and forgiveness,
but I cannot make that happen.
And that’s OK.

Either way, my path is enlightened,
and I am happy in my own skin,
and I am on my way to being comfortable with being alone.
I have strength, and I have determination.

I’ll get there, one shaky step at a time,
but I think I’ll enjoy the scenery on the way.

Don’t forget that you always, always, ALWAYS have a choice.

Love,
Amanda