sunday

the living room is made of family time but i am locked in my room instead to take a quiet moment for myself, admiring the red surface-burn on the back of my left hand.
i am so exhausted and tired; my mood has been up and down all day long and it’s like some feeling I can’t shake no matter how hard I try. I was told to stop thinking today and just exist but I’m not really sure how to do that. I have two weeks to suffer through and then things should truly start looking up; until then I will likely keep impersonating a watering can and forcing a quick smile.
it will be my birthday two weeks from today and I’m not even a little excited. It will be the loneliest birthday I have had since my thirteenth birthday; I think I will wear my bracelet if I can figure out a way to fix the clasp…then it will be just like my 17th. That was four years ago and it seems like decades; i feel so old sometimes.
sometimes the pain is raw and deep and other times I feel arrogant and unstoppable. i am really tired of extremes. why does everything need to be an extreme? why must it always come down to now or never? why is everything black or white, no pearly shades of gray?

i don’t need anyone to reinforce the idea that i am pathetic, because i already am well aware. but i am trying to make steps in the right direction, and isn’t trying enough? i indulge my dark feelings too often these days but i am very capable of resurfacing. i have a strong heart.

at this point, i need to get to a place where i have a self-identity. it’s hard though because i’m not sure what makes me happy outside of connections with other souls. that mystery must be unlocked if i’m ever to achieve self-fulfillment.

because as much as it hurts, this whining is not solving anything. not for me, nor anyone else.
i need to take action. because you can never go wrong with rounding yourself out.
God has a plan anyway, and I need to place my faith in that.

my biggest fear is that my heart will never find its way back to my chest cavity.
and then i will never know what the inside of a wedding dress feels like.
because i can never betray my heart.

i need to take a shower, though, and blow soft air on a hot cup of coffee, and read something enlightening, and make a list of what makes me happy, and hold on to that tiny ray of hope in my chest.
despite everything, it will all be ok, I tell myself soothingly, and my eyes burn despite it.
funny how it has happened exactly the way I thought it would; I cried one too many times and the flood gate was opened… a stupid gate that I slammed shut years ago. 
i want to reseal it but
I guess I’d rather have an open soul.

love,
amanda