Suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste.

It’s really sad, but I’m not that excited for the party. I should be but I’m not. There’s something still gnawing on the inside of my brain, but I don’t know what it is. Irritating can’t even begin to describe this not-knowing feeling. Lately I’ve been laughing, feeling happier than I’ve felt in a long time, but it feels like a puzzle piece just isn’t fitting right.
Like there’s something missing.
There’s a tint of self-worthlessness, jealousy and selfishness in that statement, but there it is. I can’t put my finger on exactly what’s been bothering me lately. Maybe it’s just hormones, maybe it’s that itch to reach summertime, or maybe I’m just conjuring up this feeling because I need something to chew over. Or because it seems i can’t just be HAPPY, there has to be a catch to it.
I don’t even know anymore. Honestly, I think TOO deeply about things, and it gets me in a lot of trouble (I end up cutting). Not a great way to start off your birthday, I’d say.
I’m just feeling a little bit lost, and most definitely anxious. I can’t be living in the now, I always have to think about the future, and how things will impact. Whenever I do take a god-forbidden leap of faith, it turns out that I fucked up big time. I’ve been past that for awhile now, the last time I majorly fucked up, it was back in June. I’ve made it a whole year, almost, and it feels good. But with that, there’s no happy ending, only another impending fuck up. Sometimes I think I cause the screw-up by always believing i’ll meet them sooner or later, better induce it now. Needless to say, I worry too much, and living in the moment isn’t my forte, by a long shot.
Whenever things seem to be going okay, I always find fault with something. I don’t have enough friends. I gained a bunch of weight. I’m not trying hard enough in school. I start to beat myself up, "You’re not good enough, you’ll never suceed, you’re bitchy and no wonder no one wants to hang out with you." I don’t rise to challenges because I’m afraid to fail. I hate making mistakes in front of people. A part of me knows that this is part of life, and what’s life if you don’t take risks… but my mindset seems to take over my out-of-the-box thinking every time.
I think too much.
<3 amander