slivers of hope

morning comes,
and life moves on,
and when it changed, you didn’t know where you belonged.

*

I slept and so it’s easier to make sense of everything.
I woke up with a pounding head
and a sense of calm; it is the result of a soul-purge.

I now realize that I’ve postponed the inevitable.
And this is me, breaking the cycle.

I was weak in January.
I just had every vestige of security — all the "known" and beloved — ripped away from me.
No, I can’t even say that. It’s victim mentality.
It was more of the fact: I made a decision (which I thought through, contrary to popular belief)
and it was a matter of dealing with the consequences of that decision,
and that meant that I would have to face the fact that life as I knew it was going to crumble.

I put on a strong face and blank eyes and I muddled through it cloaked in pride and denial instead.
Embraced an escapist mentality.
I manipulated my mind until everything felt at least semi-OK to me.
Justified every single one of my actions, smothered the emotions that didn’t fit into those justifications.

And that was wrong. Because at the end of the day?
I destroyed everything (everyone?), and still was scrambling to find a way to throw a band-aid on it and force a smile and say, "everything is wonderful and fine, and even if it’s not right now, it will be soon."
What a joke.

No, wrong, because jokes are funny.
And there is nothing funny about the state of my life.

Maybe this sounds like "Same Story, Different Year"…
but when the people around me, closest to me, the ones that have been around for years and/or know me very well
say, "You seem… different"  (which they’ve never said before)…
that SAYS something.
I just hope it says enough in the end.

I’ve lived in smoke and mirrors for enough of my life.
And no, I can’t do this alone.
I’ll need the support of my family, my friends, God, and most importantly, myself.

And I know words aren’t enough anymore.
I have a silver-gilded tongue.
So… watch me walk too.
Proof, though only a beginning, is very important.

I refuse to settle for anything less than the best.
That’s not arrogance — that’s the yellow brick road to true self-fulfillment and happiness.
I think I believed that I’ve been doing that for a long time — thus my inconsistent state of mind — but I think the problem was that I was unsure of what the "best" was.
I know now. And even if I don’t, I am learning.

I am growing.
That’s all I can ask for in this life.

Love,
Amanda