Seven Degrees

there is sunshine outside and I woke up smiling to it, even though the thermometer says 7 degrees, and the sun only glints off the mounds of snow, reflecting off icicles into my eyes. It’s bright and harsh and I wish I could take the day off, and that it would be mid-April so I could walk around puddles of mud and dirty water, and stare at the mostly-dead grass as it waved at me, finally free of its captor, Father Winter.
Oh, shucks. If the seasons were stagnant, always late spring/early summer, would I find some other monstrosity to contemplate and complain endlessly about? It’s possible.
I laughed at my dreams because they were confusing, all about cars rearranged in my driveway and babies and the Sims, only real. My grin was toothless, and I haven’t had a mountain dew in over twenty-four hours, maybe that’s the reason.
Oliver is snuggled up near my feet and I have class in an hour, I should probably poke my nose into my textbook about women and try to think about it in a literary sense, but how is it possible when I have this humorless, bubbling laugh just inside my chest? I am determined not to whine today, or ever again, because Dustin thinks I am stressed and miserable, which is true, but I need to snap out of my perspective so he doesn’t see these ugly emotions again.
I’m tired of feeling ugly these days, though I’m also tired of feeling pretty, like some doll set up on a shelf.
I suppose I should apologize for my crass words yesterday, but I can’t because they were real and I haven’t felt too much that was real in the past few years. So my words stand, although I am sorry if they caused you some kind of pain. Here comes the humorless laugh again, I can’t wait to breathe in icy air this weekend and mentally smack myself for my observations and sentences, surely too vague and familiar to you by now.

Dustin’s dog died yesterday, he is upset and I am uncomfortable. Death makes me uncomfortable because I don’t know how to face it, I’ve never had to dip my toe into that depressing pool before. But I hugged him fiercely and I left him to his grief, and hopefully he will smile at me in a few days time.

I have to go,
Amanda.