self trust

 sometimes i try to remember all the bad memories.
because bottling it up is futility, pushing it away just makes it chase you longer.
it hurts though, and outside the sun is shining.

maybe later today i should take a walk by myself with a notebook.
i feel like i need to cry, to nurture myself.
pick up the trail of self-work that i had to abandon two months ago.

i’m still a love addict and it is very apparent in the way i am isolating myself.
cannot keep it up or i will unravel slowly in the coming years.

i am terrified of commitment because i don’t want to fuck up anything else.
i still don’t trust myself, believe in myself.
i need to build up my self-esteem better.

i’ve been exhausted for weeks and i don’t understand.
i thought it’d get better with the schedule change, but it hasn’t really.
i still sleep ten to eleven hours a night when i can manage it.
and i’ve been crabby crabby crabby.
none of it makes sense.

i can’t lose sight of me now.
i just can’t.

maybe when i (hopefully) move in less than a month, things will turn around a little.
but one cannot base their satisfaction on outside influences.
better to rely on oneself.

with as wise as people claim i am, you’d think i’d have learned this by now.

love

amanda