Scribbles to unlock the door — *triggerwarning

Thoughts. Crawling inside my scalp, racing through the veins which hold my blood. Calling out to me, speaking to me, demanding, needing- existing. Thoughts – i must find the key to unlock the madness.
Capable of destroying everything I’ve built myself up to be. Capable of letting him down, and her down – everyone gets let down. Capable of destroying – but already driving the knife into her back. The her I "used" to be.
Her. She craved to be a little something different. Craved to be more than a head in the crowd. Ultamatiums forced down her throat. And there she goes – choosing what she’s longed to for ages.
She leaves who she was to find that girl she wants to be. She drops the very essence of her being. Leaves it to rot – to die. She leaves herself to waste away. That self she used to be.
Empty? Should I feel this empty leaving myself behind. Should I feel this broken down? Just to get rid of the plague spreading through my brain like cancer.
Bleeding through those neat little lines. All of my thoughts, so fast escaping. Giving me the peace I crave. And oh, you wouldn’t believe the silence that follows me. Silence finally takes residence in my brain.
Silence always reveals underlying chaos, which grows bigger and bigger until there’s nothing to do. Nothing to do but embrace the cancer – for it knows you and you know it. Like old friends, you fall into the same old routine. They always say the circles never end.
There are no tears – only fears escaping. Fears, and dreams, and wishes, the inability to scream, just the thoughts eating you whole from inside out. The thoughts coming forth and breaking through; spilling and dripping out with a burning desire. The desire to just
[ e s c a p e ]
It’s like being forced underwater for so long and then, finally breaking through the surface to get mouthfuls of precious oxygen. But everyone wants to keep you shoved under the water. So that you decay – you rot away.
It’s like a virus finding it’s way into your computer. A virus you try to get rid of, but once you do, your whole system comes crashing down. And that’s the last thing you need – to build yourself up again.
Again and again, the ultamatum is stifling your breathing. A choice must be made.
Be the very esscence of myself – or drown my "old self" under the water.
If only the two could merge together.
If only my thoughts weren’t so demanding.
If only I could get the screaming to stop.
Sacrifice myself – but it’s never enough.
HELLO – I’m trying to find the cure for cancer.
here i am making the best of my "situation."

<333 amanda