Say What You Need To Say

Day Zero Project

Ow. That makes my chest hurt.
I found a place in my phone where all my dinosaur texts are kept…think March 2010. When I was in a place where I didn’t know who I loved more..Brandon or Dustin. So I chose Jeff instead, because that was easier than picking between the two special people in my life. Eventually I chose Dustin last September (lord, has it really been almost a year already?) but Brandon and I were still friends.
So, these texts…so heartwrenching. They are inane texts, really…just my side of the conversation, too. Just things like "Hey, can you pick me up a Mt Dew?" or "Are we going to your house for dinner?" or …the worst… "Does that mean you miss me? Just say it. SAY IT! :)" Things that pick at the strings of my heart, broken strings I thought were well on their way to healing, almost completely healed in fact. I was at a place where I could sing "In Repair" by John Mayer. And then I read these dinosaur texts and I want to ram my head through a wall, or rip my heart out. Probably the latter.
Why?
I know I hurt him. Yes, he hurt me along the way too….and I am not trying to sugarcoat that. But I was the worst offender, not that the pissing contest about it matters anymore. And I dated Brandon (for over a year and a half) knowing my feelings for Dustin, with the expectation that, at some point, I would get back together with Dustin. And this past year, I "led him on", I guess, even though I was in a relationship and planned to stay there. Because it was easy to flirt with him, knowing it would go nowhere….until it went somewhere. And I was wrong and I get that. But to some extent, he should have known that this was coming: why in the hell would I leave Dustin for him? Why? WHY would I do that?!! I wouldn’t!
And I have spent so fucking long trying to make it OK that I have to let go of him. Even before this last time. Because rationally, I know I ought to, that I HAVE to. But my heart resists, my entire BEING shies away from that. It isn’t ME to let go of someone. It isn’t me to abandon something I love. And I love him. It may not be the way he wants me to, but I love him. And a part of me fucking died inside his car that day at midnight when he didn’t even open his lips a centimeter to fight for me. I know he has no reason to fight for me, but I guess I expected him to do what I would do in that situation. And he didn’t, and it crushed me. Because I’m an idiot.
And now, here I am on a Tuesday night, post-work, reading dinosaur texts that mean nothing really, but they are so precious because his name is at the top, and because I fucking miss him, and because its still not OK that he’s gone. it’s not fucking OK. But I have to suffer my fate. Because that’s the fucking choice I made. And I know it’s the right one but it doesn’t make this suck any less.
I need to cry but I can’t. I have no fucking tears. Except for when it’s a stupid time to cry, like when I barely cut my finger, or when I’m listening to a song I like, or I’m watching a commercial. THEN I want to cry. But not now. Now I cannot summon up a tear for the life of me. And I need it.
i don’t know how to make it happen anymore. and i definitely don’t know how to make this OK right now.
and life goes on.

Love,
Amanda