Risk Nothing [EDIT]

I wish I could dance right now. I really want to dance and listen to that new techno-rap music beneath twirling colored lights.
I want to be intoxicating.
I want this gorgeous life pounding through my veins to be tangible to someone else.
And I want to feel it, just once, as strongly as they do.

I’m really good at that, you know.
Picking guys that I can easily control.
Which means that they always are head-over-heels in love with me,
and I am far enough removed to keep my bearings.
Throwing myself into something as strong and fallible as love?
I think not.

I’m starting to realize that this "playing around" thing is far from over.
I told Dustin that two years ago, when I broke his heart.
"I need to get out, experience life, live it to the fullest before I settle down".
I figured, being almost 18, that it’d be over soon.
I’m starting to realize that this is the tip of the iceburg.

I loved Arizona.
The air was crisp and warm, the sun unbearably hot.
There was lack of responsibility.
And thankfully, there were no boys hanging off my arms,
complaining about how we "never hang out".

I don’t want those ties.

And here’s where I come to conflict.
I want deep connections,
and no strings attached.
Messed up, huh?
I know.

All I keep thinking is……I’m free.
And I’m too scared to take the first step.
Fuck.

love,
Amanda

TIK TOK
KE$HA
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up girl?)
Grab my glasses, I’m out the door, I’m gonna hit this city
(Lets go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
‘Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back

I’m talking pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes
Boys blowing up our phones, phones
Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don’t stop, no

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop, no

Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

I’m talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin’ to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don’t stop, no

DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me

With my hands up
You got me now
You got that sound
Yeah, you got me

DJ, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, you got me

With my hands up
Put your hands up
Put your hands up

Now, the party don’t start ’til I walk in

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock on the clock
But the party don’t stop, no

[EDIT]
It’s a lot more fun when Brandon sings along to the above song. The windows are rolled up against the cold, under those sparkling streetlights that turn into dark trees as the city streets turn to country roads, and he shouts over the pounding bass in the lukewarm car, "Her voice just sounds so cool."
But still I’m unfulfilled.
I feel like there’s so much unresolved shit that needs to be mended or cast off before I can go anywhere. My mood has become surly in face of the bitter Wisconsin winter. I feel like I need meditation, tarot readings, spring breezes and notebooks with my distinct handwriting, and a really good cigarette accompanied by a hot cup of coffee.
And I thought I was bored. There’s so much to see, to clarify, to mend, to resolve and absolve. I have the power. Now is my time to try to fix myself up. The trip to Arizona absolutely changed me, but it’s only the beginning of the transformation. I’ll become even wiser overnight, just you watch. Tomorrow I’m dedicating myself to getting to the root of myself and going from there.

Love ♥

oh, and
MEN: We love you at your worst, but that doesn’t mean you never have to be at your best.
WOMEN: Say what you mean and mean what you say. I’m tired of this Facebook group, "When a girl says ‘Its Fine’ it means YOUUUURE FUUUUUCKED". No. It means you are incredibly insecure and your relationship is so dramatically unstable and pathetic that you can’t even speak your mind. You should probably go find a cliff, and fall dramatically off of it. KTHXBAI.

Not like I’m a relationship guru, but really now. Talk about a huge divorce rate. It’s because of simple shit like this.
Society is falling into ruin.