Questing & Lusting

The magic of my favorite part of the year (late summer/early fall) is beginning to filter into my every word, every action. I am starting to take steps in the right direction—I think… no, I know—even if it is a bit slow going. Sometimes I still have to stop myself before I’m about to say something I shouldn’t, smile indulgently at my Inner-Amanda, and shake my head. My patience is being tried quite a bit lately, especially with all the change that is taking place. But I’m working on it.
Being around Dustin is making me want to be a better person. I don’t want to be someone who balks and resists every change. I don’t want to be someone slipping on the thin ice of Negativity, damaging parts of herself for no other reason to convince herself that she has control. I don’t want to be someone who has to hurt someone else to feel important. I don’t want to hate; I want to embrace.
In the past, I have had a hard time finding and keeping friends. Why? I open my mouth too quickly, and the respect for me is lost before it is even created. I don’t want to be that. I want to be able to laugh with people, to learn people, to be with the kind of people I hope to become myself. I know I have the good qualities in me, but the lack of motivation and effort is getting me nowhere but further into the black hole of loneliness.
I don’t know, I guess I’m starting to find out that I’ve been approaching everything all wrong. It’s time for some change; I need it to grow.
And at some point, I have to realize that I’m not going to become the person I want, or obtain the future I dream of, by sitting around pouting. I have to actually…idk, DO something, for once in my life. Today I’m feeling motivated; tomorrow will hopefully follow suit.

Here I go again on the same old quest,
Amanda.