progress, not perfect.
My eyes slid open at exactly 1 pm.
I didn’t fall into my bed until somewhere between 5 and 6 this morning.
My blood cells are all rushing and confused throughout my body, so I postponed answering a few texts.
Instead I fixed myself a cup of coffee and stared out onto the rain-soaked landscape.
Then I started my laundry, and I made a piece of toast with peanut butter.
Listened to "Ho Hey" by the Lumineers, and now Whitley’s "More Than Life".
My soul craves soothing and simple and so I will pour my energy into making that happen.
Last night was the potential for disaster on so many levels.
A sleep-deprived weekend, punctuated by work-related drama and emotional instability.
I have been pretty irrational for a couple of days, but even last night, I cooled my temper before it burned everyone in my immediate vicinity.
These late nights need to disappear though, as much as I relish the feel of a 3 a.m. breeze on my flushed skin;
a rested mind is a rational mind, and if I want to make any real progress, I need to cultivate that.
[progress, not perfect] – a quote from my book that I adore. I had insane fantasies of inking that into my skin but I don’t think I need to.
I stumbled this weekend, and I can admit that.
But I caught myself before I went tumbling gracelessly to the ground.
Don’t get me wrong, I felt pain and disappointment and guilt.
But I didn’t crash and burn.
I am beginning my journey into my past to see all the ways LA/codependency has manifested, as well as the ways that my parents’ addictions factored into my emotional development (or lack thereof).
It’s hard. Last night I was able to write about it for a bit but I got really uncomfortable, started feeling irrational, wanted to escape…. so I stopped writing about it and did something else for awhile.
This isn’t going to be easy. But I am able to probe my defenses and see how far I can push myself, and I have faith that I know when it’s good to stop/go based off of my emotional responses.
I will make something out of myself.
I was rude to Colin last night when we were discussing some topics.
He said something about how I can’t see things in black and white terms all the time,
and I snapped back that it’s also not good to envision that everything is the worst-case scenario.
That, right there?
Maybe I’m right. I don’t know if I am or not. But that is far from the point.
The point is that I have no right to look at him and vomit out my perceptions because I am not him.
I am not anyone but me.
And the longer amount of time I spend analyzing someone else’s life instead of my own, the longer I will be steeped in ignorance and hypocrisy.
So fuck that.
I wasn’t able to stop myself from saying the words in time, but I did apologize almost immediately.
Progress – not perfect.
Besides, the best epiphanies are the ones that come from within, not the ones that emerge from another’s lips.
Today I am going to try to live wholly in the moment.
Also, as an aside, I feel very bitter toward all the guy friends I’ve ever had.
I don’t know what it is that people believe is so special about me.
But what I do know? It hurts when you feel manipulated by the people around you.
Maybe that thought itself is irrational, but it really sucks to have to be vigilant about things.
I understand feelings can’t be controlled, but it becomes challenging because the motivations beneath the things that they do or say are corrupted by that.
I’m probably too irrational to keep going with that thought for now.
Carpe noctem.
Love,
Amanda