on second thought

Probably a good thing I privated my earlier entry.
Emotion-vomit.
I need to make more coffee and take a shower and decide how the rest of my day will proceed.
But I’d rather sit, and soak up the quiet and stillness.
Deep breaths, but they taste like tears.

I wish it would stop snowing.
I wish restlessness would leave my veins.
I wish to change the unchangeable.
I debate about whether I should close up the book that is me,
because I don’t feel like anyone deserves to see the real me right now.
However,
Pride goeth before a fall; perhaps I should make it a tattoo.

I just realized that I got all of my tattoos at landmark occasions in my life.
The first one was May 5, 2010;
the second one was September 2010,
and the third was July 2011.
Hahahaha, that is really amusing to me for some reason.
Let’s get a February 2012 one, yeah?

I am so done with emotions lately.
I want to retreat so badly back into my shell.
Become emotionally numb, rely solely on logic and rationality.
Mostly due to the fact that this is fucking exhausting.
However, if I do that, I will become condescending and mocking and spiteful.
So there’s really no happy medium.

I am clawing my way towards significance,
but I feel like my grip on the mountain is slippery at best.
Only willpower and determination to see a brighter tomorrow can save me.

I am done relying on others; but that means I must emotionally distance myself to some degree.
Which path is the right one?
I am tired of life-altering decisions.

I am just so fucking worn down….threadbare lately. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. Maybe that’s why I’ve been obsessed with Dexter. I haven’t checked out of life in months; perhaps it is the right course of action to do so.

After all, the body needs rest to heal. Not awareness.

Love,
Amanda