oaks grow strong in contrary winds

Pride has no place in matters of the heart.

I am churning in a great ocean of uncertainty.
It is for the greater good, and I know this.
It sucks, but it is definitely a necessary sux.

I felt light and happy in early January because I DID make the right decision.
I needed to be on my own and feel loneliness and pain.
I needed to feel how goddamn excruciating patience and "waiting" is.
I needed to realize that I have a problem with relationships being the very center of my life.

I realized the other day – mini-epiphany – that Emily was one of the key ways my LA manifested.
I am literally surrounded by, all wrapped up in, and drowning in R E L A T I O N S H I P S and L O V E.

That being said? I am still sticking to my path – I will try, even if it gets me shit nowhere.
Because then at least I can say I honestly fucking tried.

But as for right now?
I need to get up tomorrow and go for a run.
I need to look at the loan repayment for my student loans.
I need to write down a list of things that make me happy — things that make me, well, me.
I need to spend time with my friends and enjoy strengthening those bonds.
I need to get in touch with God and get my spirituality back on track.
I need to make sure I eat a decent meal.
I need to read a book.
I need to look into a psychology degree, and figure out where the fuck I am going with my career.
I need to work through my memories and calm my inner turmoil.
I need to nurture and reassure my inner child.
I need to spend time with my family.
I need to come up with a savings plan.
I need to be grateful for every sacred breath in my lungs.

I need to become the type of person I know I can be.

and
I want to be able to SHOW HIM a beautiful, funny, lively, whole, healthy, and worthy person.
If he still wants to walk away from that? There’s nothing I can do.
And God obviously has a different plan.
But I’m not moving even my baby toe until I get that chance.

And if the door gets slammed in my face? At least then I know I have myself.
I need myself either way. I’ve gone too long without her.
And yeah, honestly it scares me that I could fail,
because I honestly don’t think I can stomach the thought of leaving him behind,
and creating a new "something beautiful" with someone else…
BUT "live by what you trust, not by what you fear".

I am tired of being depressed, worried, angry, ashamed, and beaten down.
Fuck that.
Yeah, I should feel all my emotions…but that doesn’t mean drown in them.
I always seem to forget that for some reason.

Let’s do this.
Do it with love, and calm, and acceptance.

Love,
Amanda