No Such Thing

For the first time in a long time, I long for a cup of coffee and a window. I want to look into the street, try peering through the holes in the screen, to maybe see a fraction of my soul somewhere out there. I feel so empty sometimes, like this part of me has been ripped away and hidden from me. A cup of hazelnut flavored coffee and an open window is all I wish for, tonight.
Sometimes thinking can drive you insane. I’m a girl with no self control, or at least I was, until only a few months ago. It’s strange, to have to rein myself in. Sometimes I still say too much of what I’m thinking. "I try my best to be guarded…I’m an open book instead’.
I don’t really expect anything to make sense…or do i? Doesn’t Dawn slip over the horizon, filled with its silky pink undertones, a fiery sun riding atop the cotton candy clouds? Doesn’t twilight wash into the blue-black bruise of a night sky? Everyone knows that spring turns to summer turns to fall turns to winter. And on it goes. So why is it that other things do not follow these same logical laws? I feel lost, a woman trapped in the untimely haze of rain, just missing the mailman with a letter clutched in my hand. Always just a single second too early…a single second too late.
I have never before relished the known so much. I am in uncharted territory, and I harbor all this anger, resentment, and bitterness all the time, not to mention cynicism, like I will be protected from the unknown just because my attitude sucks. For all those that believe this is true…it isn’t.
Isn’t it infinitely easier to face your feelings sooner, rather than later? It saves so much drama, and the sting of the needle of Reality seems a lot less sharp. Sharp used to be my way of having a God-complex that I was never meant to have. Now my forearm gives away my secrets like candy on Halloween.
I don’t think I ask for much. I want hazelnut coffee and an open window. And I want to keep the people I love close to me. I want love to make sense…every faction and nuance of it. Maybe that’s selfish.
My eyes feel so heavy but I’ve never felt more awake. My body thought it was thoroughly satisfied as I opened my sleep-encrusted eyes this morning; I was wrong, I’m usually wrong about myself. There is so much to do, and see…and especially, oh God, feel. And I am so behind.
I just have to remember – there’s no such thing as wasting time.

Love always,
Amanda