NJM 4: The Past, over and over again

I should be looking forward, embracing the simplicity of the present moment, feeling as though everything has fallen lightly into place. Yet, I always keep looking back, crinkling my nose at what should’ve happened, words that should’ve been said. My heart flutters when given the chance to unleash all the thoughts welling up in me, but my mouth seams itself shut. I have risked too much already.
My mind skips over all the people that have touched my life. And I am grateful for those moments, really. Even though there is an ocean in me that swallows everything up, nothing truly disappears. It is suspended in a watery grave, the feelings long buried with it. But I still cling to the memories, as if they are the only link I have to really living.
Those startling memories of awareness and clarity keep me up at night sometimes. Those nights I am so, so tired but my mind is wandering and suddenly I want snow to cover everything, a hot cup of coffee in my icicle hands. Those photographic memories, that for some reason or another have stayed with me. Chilly walks, warm hands, unanswered feelings, and chaotic thoughts unleashed in a cloud of water vapor in the winter air. Some have said things that have seared my very soul. That memory of the pain hurts more, it seems, with the sharp edge of time.
It’s always the pain you remember the best.
The days I laid awake, my hands curled around my knees, crying because there was nothing else to do. There was no antidote for the jagged tear in my insides. Because things were said that shouldn’t have been. And then that hopeless feeling that accompanies the raw pain, that feeling that nothing will heal so deep a wound. That feeling that you are alone in your pain, because saying anything about it could only serve to reopen the wound.
Things that still come back and knife through me, like I’m nothing but a crumbling loaf of bread. Those cold nights his dark hair caught in the headlights of passing cars, as I tried to explain why I was nothing he would ever want, should ever want. That stony look on his face that was not softened by any words. Silence shrouded everything, causing the guilt of my soul to twist, blacken even more.
Now, those days don’t hurt like they used to. What hurts now is looking fondly back on all the memories. It’s a scarring feeling to realize that that’s all they are–memories. There will never be another chance to go back and re-do things. There are no more chances for me to make things right. I can’t ever brush his hair back from his forhead, or just wrap my arms around him when he gets that look in his eye. I wish for nothing romantic, but platonic caring…is that too much to ask for?
Yes.
Any trust in me was obliterated. If he ever did feel anything for me, it doesn’t matter now. He has a replacement, and I replaced him long before that. His comments recently were only snarky, half-assed attempts to make me feel important and special. And I did. For awhile, I felt I was the only one he could trust, the only one he ever truly cared about, the only one that could heal things in him. Is that true? I will never know.
And it’s selfish of me. I wish that he would depend on me in the way he never did before. That maybe he would let me take care of him instead of covering everything up with arrogance. Maybe he was on the road to doing that.
However, nothing in me wants to be subject to deceit, even if I was deceptive throughout our entire history. I can’t stand to be in his life as a puppet, as something only useful in desperation. I can’t deal with the fact that he lets all the promise for his future slip through the cracks. I want to pick him up, to cradle him, to show him the way. I want him to light up and go forth and say, "Thank you." And I will probably never get that.
That’s what hurts.
That is one of the worst things you can ever feel– the desire to help someone, but knowing it’s good for neither of you, even if he accepted it in the first place.

But how can I feel like this when I have so much going for me without him? I am so much better off than I was a year ago. Dustin’s arms are the right place for me, the support of my friends is palpable, and I am finally succeeding academically. I am financially straightened out for the most part; I have goals; I’m going places. With him, I was none of that.
He brought me down. Back in May, I couldn’t afford to be brought down anymore. And here we are now, a chasm of bitterness sweeping between us, consuming everything good that was left. Now, he lies. Now, he is someone far different than the one I kept in perfect balance. Maybe I was his last shred of hope. Either way, I left him to make his own mind up, and no response is forthcoming.
I do not wait with bated breath anymore. It hurts to let go of the idea that I’ll ever really know him, that I’ll ever really be close with him again. But sometimes, we must all grit our teeth and push through. And by God, I will.

Sometimes, simply loving someone isn’t enough.

Amanda.