night run

 one breath in, shuddering breath out.
another breath in — god there are knives in my lungs — struggling breath out.
my feet stumble often on the uneven pavement, but my heart pounds sure and strong.
bass reverberating in my ears, lyrics that coax me to push myself even harder.
maybe i’ll quit when i hit the next block, I tell myself,
but then I cross the street and surprise myself by keeping up the steady pace.

I tip my head upward and consider the twinkling stars,
and that soothing shade of blue that colors the night sky something beautiful.
The breeze is cool on my damp forehead, and I feel grounded, but infinite.
Nights like this make me feel so … connected,
makes my capillaries sing, my soul tremble…
my heart ache.

Somewhere between all the uproar and chaos in my life,
I am finding that I appreciate existence.

My impetuousness may turn my life upside down,
and I may over-analyze,
and I may be graceless and clumsy,
and quick-tempered and petulant,
and too opinionated and fault-finding,
and selfish and demanding,
and negative and unrealistic,
and I may be damn good at making a mess of my life,
especially if it involves things — or people — that I don’t deserve.

But I know something else too —
I have the strength to get through anything, even if my immediate hopes are dashed;
I have the determination to see a plan through to completion, from the planning to the execution;
and I have a warm, giving heart that is capable of not only loving completely and infinitely, but also healthily.

It has taken me a long time to see my potential, and even then, to utilize it.
I feel the power carousing through my blood, into my fingertips.
I don’t know exactly where I’m going (does one ever? seriously?) but I do know that I’ll get there, exactly as planned, right on schedule.

Smiling and serene, if only just for this minute,
Amanda