Musings at 3 A.M.
One of my light bulbs just burned out; it’s giving the room an eerie cast. Intriguing when all I’ve felt is warm, all wrapped up in every sensual pleasure of being home. Home is my love’s gentle acceptance that, yes, I’m really going to play Fallout 3 for the next three hours instead of cuddle. Home is the say-anything attitude of my coworkers as we stick our cold fingers near the heat emanating from the grill. Home is Jennie’s face as she tries to explain to me why, exactly, she thinks Brandon is an epic bag of douchery. Home is the comfort I find between the words of Nick’s letter, all the emotion stuck together behind our figurative teeth as we each put pen to paper. Home is the chilled breeze lifting tendrils of my hair from my neck. Home is the look I shoot Brandon when he says something outrageous; some confusing mix of sly seduction, nostalgia, and inexplicable glee. My Home is imperfect, but it is mine; all I wanted was this stake I’ve already driven firmly into the dirt. Even if I have so much farther to go.
I am losing the taste of the sensual, because we are slipping into winter and the semester is exploding with paperwork and I have so many material things to acquire, even if it’s just bank statements that prove my progress. I miss the quiet sounds of night, and the crisp smell of lightning, and the soft patter of summer rain. I’m beginning to forget the sound of gravel crunching beneath my shoes. My leg muscles are cramped and restless because I haven’t let them wander on these streets in which I’ve grown far too comfortable. My sensual pleasures have come in the form of the interior of Dustin’s car and the four gray walls of my bedroom and the shag carpet silencing my footsteps at Dustin’s house. I do not know Nature as well as I used to, but sometimes, when I’ve got a cigarette between my icy fingertips and my coat wrapped around my small frame, the wind will ruffle my hair or an oak leaf will skate by my foot. And I have to ask myself why I’ve let myself become so distant to my most favorite thing in the world.
But alas, implementing change is never an enjoyable task.
Amanda