More of the Same

I began to resent you for the inevitable, and I hated the feeling.
Though the wrongs can never quite be righted, I still try to keep the small seed of hope alive.
Hope that one day this will all get better.
Hope that this sickness of my soul will cure itself.
You promise me things but I can’t quite believe in what you say anymore.
Though I am forgiving and sweetly laced, I am by no means an idiot.

I wonder to myself what you want from me.
I just don’t understand anymore.
It is enough to tie my heart up with barbed strings and choke the air from my lungs.
Weariness has settled into my bones,
tears slide hesitantly over smooth skin,
but the hardest part of all is ignoring what was in light of what could be.
The hardest part of all is laying face up on my bed, searching the walls for answers.
The hardest part is catching the sobs before they escape and resisting the urge to reach out for help.
I tell myself to be strong because that’s what you expect from me.

I look in the mirror some days and avoid my own gaze.
I’m afraid to see the things that people yell out in anger.
I crawl out of my warm haven and face the ice cold day every morning,
because that’s what’s expected of me.
I mention my emotional breakdowns in passing,
in a light, matter-of-fact voice, to make it seem less real.
To make sure no one gets too worried or tries too hard to help.
I put up with the bullshit, shake off the jeers, and press on.
Because there are no choices here. As always.

Winter is so beautiful in its icy solace,
but I am not.
I wish I had all the days and nights I could want,
to contemplate, to work out solutions, to sort out this
tangled heart and muddled brain.
Time is scarce, and expectations press even harder down on me,
as the air gets thinner.

I just wish, at this particular moment, that I had a window letting in even the tiniest light of Christmas spirit or glow of a stress-relieving fire.
Until then, I trek on.

Amanda

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

FIX YOU
COLDPLAY