more like honesty edit

It’s been one of those sneaky hate spiral days.
Where all of a sudden, everything just accumulates and suddenly I want to rip my own fucking face open and scream at the world.

I am tired of feeling displaced, homeless, lost.
I have no home. Not anymore.
I am tired of feeling uncomfortable, of pushing myself outside the box.
I want somewhere familiar to rest my head.
I am tired of feeling like I have no control over anything.
I probably never did, but I’ve always had a God-complex, and habits are hard to break.

I have all these dreams, and wishes, and hopes.
I am tired of feeling like they are unattainable. Or like I have to wait forever to finally achieve them.

I am tired of feeling out of control, while, at the same time, feeling like I can’t let myself make a misstep.
It’s fucked up. I feel fucked up.

I am tired of faking a smile and being optimistic when all I want to do is bawl my fucking eyes out at how uncomfortable and uncertain my life is.
I am tired of feeling like I have to babysit other people, or even worse, babysit myself.
Because, for some reason, I can’t man up and be a fucking adult.

I don’t want to rely on other people.
For so long, I have let myself depend on other people.
And time and time again, I’ve let someone else’s hands catch me when I fall, and in the meantime, I didn’t learn a damn thing about how to help myself.
Well fuck it.
Because I forgot that when you jump with both feet into a new existence, it’s fucking scary when you have nothing — no one — to fall back on but yourself. And it HURTS sometimes. And it’s LONELY sometimes.

But you know what?
Everything is OK.
Because I am taking tiny steps. They’re baby steps, and maybe about ten of them equal up to one adult step, but I don’t care.
Because I am making progress.
I am getting closer to achieving the idealist version of my life, and myself. I’ll never truly get to ideal but I’m gonna get as close as possible.

And I’m not letting anything, or anyone, hold me back.

My eyes are burning.
It’s Sunday morning.

Bring it on, world.

Love,
Amanda

And after I wrote all of that, I got in my car and drove. I was stone-faced til I hit NN and then I lost it.
Finally, the tears have made an appearance.
Does anyone have any idea how broken I feel right now?
I want this new chapter so bad; I’ve wanted it so bad for so long.
And I can do it, I DO believe in myself.

Love,
Amanda