may first

so, today is awful. really awful.
i’m an emotional bag of dicks because i’m getting the silent treatment, which I expected.
doesn’t make it suck any less.

it’s a sunny 79 degrees here right now.
i went for a drive and picked up a couple tigertail donuts and a mountain dew.
tried not to fall into the wading pool of despair but today it’s extra difficult.

finding little things to smile about though.
i’m trying.

i’m gonna go for a run after dinner and then i think i’ll have a few a drinks.
toast Dustin because it’s his birthday, and then toast God, because He is the one with the grand plan here.
not i.

i’m trying to stay optimistic and pleasant and calm and relaxed.
what i really want to do is run around in circles screaming my head off,
or perhaps collapsing from sheer exhaustion and pain and sadness,
but that’s not going to help so, no can do.

what i really need is a hug.

at this point, i really wish my birthday would fuck off.
i’m trying to drum up some excitement but it’s slow going, and i’m running out of time.

some solace for the day?
i am not even close to the person i was before.
my positive changes are starting to take root and blossom.

time to read.

love,
amanda