Light Flooding In

I am floating negligently in a sea of my own making; it is a swirl of blues and greens that feel like silk on my clumsy fingertips.
Shame bends and warps my body until there is nothing very beautiful about it at all.
But God loves ugly, and I guess that’s lucky.

My muscles grow taut with the pain and the struggle;
a day of hard work and maybe now I know the meaning.
The drawn-out hurt, like the slow rake of a fingernail down one’s skin;
I learn what it takes to show self-restraint, how it feels to wait.
Lessons slow in coming, face tilted up to fully view the war,
I’m much too old to live here in the dark anymore.

respect always keeps my lips sealed, but I can feel the glue getting warmer.
how dare i? yet humility is my master now, pride only the former.
is the difference made?; i dare to hope but i deserve the pain.

maybe i should get a tattoo that says "warning";
because all the things I touch sour in time…
i’m reckless, stubborn, can’t make up my mind.

i failed my own test, then filled my fists with air,
only to find that it’s intangible, unsolid, and it has a vicious bite.
running blind though i swore my clarity was real,
i deserve no trust because i live by what i fear.

on my knees, i beg for more than forgiveness,
stripped of everything, naked with a heavy heart,
but my hand was too heavy and that’s the hardest part.

redemption I deserve not but God will still hear my plea,
then perhaps something beautiful can be returned to me.

the person I build will be whole and strong,
no more pieces strewn about, careless with a flick of a wrist,
I don’t know much, but from the bottom of my heart, I know this.

this is rock bottom, this is years of falling punctuated by the sharp crack of my skull on the ground,
and although morbid, my gratitude would be unmatched if the soul reverberated with that hollow sound.

if every close soul hears these words and shrinks away in hate,
i wouldn’t mind because this? this is what i mean by ‘fate’.

amanda.