Learning & Growing & Self-Esteem

Day Zero Project

     I believe that sometimes people forget that I am 19 years old. I’ll be 20 in three months but that is irrelevant because a lot of people think I act a lot older than I actually am. In real life that is; in here I tend toward whiny-ness and self-deprecation. But even the strong fall down sometimes. I am not using my actual age as an excuse to act like a petulant child, but rather as a tool to convince myself that having feelings is OK, even especially if they are ugly.

     Last night was an ugly night. This whole week has been ugly and unhappy and depressing, but frankly, it has also been enlightening. This week has been horrible and still I have not lit a cigarette since Saturday. That is positive, is it not? As of yesterday, I have made it 3 weeks without cigarettes, despite my minor slip-ups. That is positive. But I digress. Last night was ugly because I let myself fall into my usual trap: allowing nostalgia to own me and therefore allowing self-deprecation, criticism, and unhappiness to settle into my bones. Which usually is alright…but not when I let it happen for hours and hours and become bitter toward not only my existence, but the existence of all happiness in the world. THAT is petulance.

     Feeling bad, sad, angry, bitter, and etc is not in bad form. After all, even the most positive people have bad days or get into bad moods. What should be avoided, however, is dwelling. I am a notorious dweller, letting my thoughts drag me down, letting my bad thoughts undermine all my progress and all my faith in the world. Maybe it’s justified, perhaps not. But I am tired of being the Unhappy One. I am tired of being negative and angry and still knowing to my soul that I crave happiness, love, belonging, just like everyone else. My "I-don’t-need-anything-or-anyone" attitude is getting old and overused, mostly because it isn’t true and I know it, it’s just that I don’t want to admit it.

     And I deserve it. I deserve to be happy, loved, and to have a sense of belonging just like every other human on this planet. It’s about time that I stop waiting for it to fall in my lap. It’s about time I stop making excuses for bad habits. It’s about time that I show some love and self-control instead of instability and venomous words. Dustin deserves it, all of my friends and family deserve it, and fuck all, so do I. I am young and (relatively) healthy and strong and beautiful and awesome. I am not my past. I let myself believe that I will always be my past, that I must grieve sins long gone and accept that I have damaged people beyond repair. That brings me to my next point.

     I refuse to be responsible for anyone else, most especially their words and actions. I am not a mother, so why should I? I owe nothing to anyone. I may have hurt people in the past. I may have played with a few hearts and broken my fair share. I may have made vat upon vat of mistakes and said the wrong thing and reacted to situations in a volatile manner. But I cannot be responsible for the fact that Brandon smokes pot every day (to escape his problems, which may or may not include the ghost of me), or that one of my ex-best friends is glorified white trash or that Dustin has extreme social anxiety and is afraid to succeed. The best I can do is be the best version of myself I can at any given time. To provide support for those who are worth my time. To finally let go of all who are not worth my time. To love freely and express my feelings in straightforward manner. And I am learning. I have not perfected the skill (nor will I ever), but I am fucking learning.

    The best thing anyone can hope for in this life is not to be perfect, but instead to simply grow. Even in the smallest way.

     This week has, in fact, been a test for my patience and willpower. We got a call this week that my nephew’s mother is on Meth, so there is going to be icky court proceedings and such so that my brother can *hopefully* get full-custody. If he does, he may or may not be moving back here to WI and living in our house. I love my nephew and brother, but I hope to God I am moved out by then. I was sick Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, which was then punctuated over the last few days by an ugly cold sore, a UTI, and various headaches. I even put on a show and cried for Dustin on Wednesday night. This has only been underlined by the fact that I am swamped with school work and irritated by having to work at the restaurant 4-5 days a week (with slackers my co-workers), AND trying to make time for friends. If that wasn’t all enough, the stress/poor time management makes it difficult for me to eat, so I am constantly nauseaous/hungry/getting even thinner. Fuck all. Today is also wondrous /sarcasm because it snowed (for like the 3rd time this season, it seems like), so now I have to leave an hour early for work and pray for my safety the whole way, because I suck.

      At least there is: Zen Habits and The Oatmeal to keep me from completely ripping my hair out. I want desperately to find balance and happiness even when there is "teh hectic" happening. I can’t promise you’ll all be free of Brandon-rants and self-esteem problems and general bitterness toward the world, because this is still my diary, but I’m trying to improve.

Love always,
Amanda