If We Feel The Silence
Sunshine washes through my clean car, sweetly scented with jasmine and Febreeze. The sun streaks across my hair, too, turning it a mixture of gold and red and brown and it’s so brassy, but it is no longer dark and that makes me happy enough. It’s a cool 52 degrees but it felt hotter when I felt the sweat beading on my forehead. It’s easy to stay in the present…for now.
My mom bought me a sewing machine, and since my birthday is almost a month away, we made it my birthday present. It was nice walking through Michael’s and Jo-Ann Fabrics and feeling everything, running my hands all over the satins and laces and wools and dreaming about what I could make. I want to make, and this sewing machine, though I grunted over it for nearly an hour due to uncooperative thread, helps me create. Urges me to create. And celebrates with me when my mouth lifts at the corners because a neat line of stitches marks the beautiful fabric. I am just beginning and I love it already.
I have neglected my yoga today, but I have a thousand other things to do. I can accomplish but I don’t need to struggle.
I have written about a hundred lists and each time I cross something off, I feel infinitely better. About myself. About life. It organizes me, compartmentalizing pieces of me I’d forgotten about. Pieces I never knew existed. Awareness is a wonderful thing. I am learning, I am calm, I am beginning over. Starting again. Foraging ahead through the simplicity and beauty and chaos and tragedies that I know await me.
I am in love with life. With the simple act of breathing. My eyes are wide open.
Nothing can touch me right now. This brief period of time is enough.
Dustin wants to be a police officer. I am ecstatic because he seems ecstatic about it. We might have to move south if he really wants to do this. We can make the trips to school equal for both of us and move to the Falls. I love the Falls. The Falls is beautiful, made of roads I don’t know and little corner shops and streets that run into Milwaukee, eventually. I am anxious to embark. So many decisions. So little time.
Last night’s headache left me in the wee hours of the morning, and I woke up refreshed. I feel like a new person.
These are the days I’ve been dreaming about since the iron bars of high school. To be able to breathe and laugh and carry on and adventure. Because that’s what I’m supposed to be doing.
Love,
Amanda
P.S. Goo Goo Dolls "Feel The Silence".